Happy New Year and beginnings

First off I want to tell everyone Happy New Year!! I hope that it is a great one for you, and yes, they do exist.  See that picture above, that happened out of a quiet New Year's Eve and a really great year that followed.

I want to put down the story of how my life has gotten to where it is and how we are still making through all of this. 
 On New Year's eve of 2009, Victoria and I spent the evening just watching the ball drop and breaking one of my favorite bowls while shooting off fireworks. I knew that that was a sign of a good year to come, really I did!

 The following month I found us a new home to live in, and I had already started my new position and store with Lowe's, in October. I was really getting lucky already, and Tori was loving our new home. While I was at the new store I had made some new friends, they were great and always made me laugh, even on the really bad days. I had some REALLY bad ones at times, too. One person in particular was Andy. The first day I saw him I actually tripped over a water hose because I was "distracted" . After meeting him, I just figured he was a party guy with lots of girlfriends and I blew it off. Well in months that passed I realized I was very wrong!! He turned out to be a very shy guy with brains who could be doing so much more than working at Lowe's. He became one of my good friends there, and I liked talking to him about anything. We found that we shared a lot in common and that we had been looking for the same thing.......a normal life, no drama, and someone who loved kids. He was getting a new job, so we decided to go on a date. He picked me up that Friday afternoon and brought me a rose tree with one red rose on it. That was it!! He had me from there, our date was fantastic and I knew that it was going to be that way, always. And it has. He was, has and always will be what I had been waiting for. I prayed and thought about how happy I was with it just being Tori and I, I knew I would be okay if I was alone. Then came Andy and it was like my prayers were answered  and he was an added bonus.

 We had talked about his love for children and how at one time in his life he had really wanted 8 children. Yes, eight!! I had always said that I didn't want Tori to be the only child but I was lucky just to have her.Well about six months later, Mya decided it was time to bring us all together. I will never forget his face when I told him that I was pregnant, best face ever! Being pregnant with her was awesome, even with me losing my job for a month and having to start all over at Lowe's, my love of being pregnant with her never wavered. Stressed, I was stressed but Andy always made it better. That man is like a rock!! 

And that is how I am making it through all of this with Zooey, if Andy breaks down, I will break down. He is the one constant in my life, every time I just want to break down and lose it, I find him. I have cried, I cry now just writing it out, but if I need to let it out, I do it and then find him to calm me down. He doesn't have to do anything but remind me how lucky we still are. This from a guy who thinks that if it wasn't for bad luck we wouldn't have any luck at all. He knows that we are lucky to have each other and I am lucky for having two beautiful girls already. For some reason, which God only knows, we are going to be lucky and have our Zooey, maybe for minutes, hours, and hopefully days. Either way, she is still ours. I am told to be hopeful and that my prayers will be answered and on the other hand I am being told to be ready and to prepare myself for the worst. I just pray that I will make it through the next year, that I can find peace in knowing that there is a good chance Zooey won't be with me when I celebrate the next New Year's eve. I have so many bad things I don't want to have to get ready for,  what hospital, her struggles at birth, what will we have to do if she makes it long enough to go home, the more than possible memorial service, and the cost of it all. All this and trying to make sure I am collecting things to remember her by, not letting a second go to waste, it is all very overwhelming.

  With all this to look forward to in 2013, I am still ready to welcome it with a smile on my face. It has the same feel to it that it did in 2009, I am ready to say good bye to a so so 2012 and look forward to a great 2013. So much can happen, plus I do have one really cool thing I know is happening next year......I am becoming Valerie Mason. We have never felt that we just had to get married but I am glad we are doing it, just something fun to look forward to and maybe take some of the sadness out of 2013 for everyone. 

 And just a few really neat side notes to leave on, one is that Andy and I get to see a full view of Zooey on Jan 14th!! Thanks to an angel that  God has sent my way, AMY, my doctor agreed to let us have a 4D ultrasound on him.  I am so excited to see Zooey again and to REALLY see how pretty she is!! Last thing happened this morning, as I was listening to Mya chat it up with her daddy at 6am, I noticed that Zooey was moving funny. It took me a minute because I was concentrating on why on earth Mya was up so early, but then I realized what Zooey was doing, she had the hiccups! I know it was just the hiccups but for that small time she was just like any other normal baby. I sat and enjoyed them for as long as I could, any other time it could be annoying but this morning it was the most awesome thing to me. Zooey had the hiccups :)

HAPPY 2013 to Everyone and see you next year!!

Going to see Zooey

Well, her she is!!

It was really great to see her today, I didn't really care if we had found out anymore bad news, I just wanted to see her.

She weighs about 2 1/2 pounds which is close to normal, the doctor said the tummy was a tad small but that is okay.

Zooey's kidneys are starting to look normal, also. They are not holding as much fluid as first thought so they are really not going to give her the most trouble. Her left side of her cerebellum  is still fluid filled but it doesn't look as it did when she was smaller. The fluid is not changing, which is also a good sign. When I first saw her brain I could tell right off that it wasn't getting worse.  These things gave me a little comfort in knowing she has a small chance. Her heart issue on the other hand.........it's the one thing that isn't going to make it easy on her. She just doesn't have all the heart she needs to keep going once she gets here. Her heart rate is now at 140, and that is good but once she isn't relying on me to help her it probably won't continue to function. 

 That is a very hard thing to come to terms with, Zooey is so close to being okay, she would still have issues when she gets here, some new and some old but they would be easier to deal with than a failed heart. To feel how strong she is while she is in my tummy, you would never know that she has an underdeveloped  heart. No wonder that I am so tired, she is using me to keep going.  And boy does she go! Btw, she is a girl. I had mentioned it to some that I wanted to be for sure about her sex. 

 When we finally got to see her face I was glad to see that she doesn't have a cleft lip, she may have a soft palette but no cleft lip. This will be easier for her if I get to feed her. The last picture is of her looking right at us. It wasn't the best of the picture but she started to turn over. She looks A LOT like Mya, Mya's ultra sound picture. She has those big cheeks and puffy pretty lips and a cute little nose. Her nose looked a little off in the picture but again she decided it was time to turn over about the time the tech snapped the picture. 

 I know she is going to be a beautiful little girl, just like her sisters. I just wish I knew if we would have time to see her grow. Stupid 13 chromosome!  The doctor reminded me that even though things didn't look so bad now, that the 13th chromosome will be down fall when she is out and on her own. Again, it is so hard to comprehend this. That every strand on her DNA is tarnished by this stupid 13th chromosome. 

I have actually taken everything better this week, even with all the bad stuff going on in our nation. I have said this before, I know that if Zooey doesn't make it for long it will be okay because she will know nothing else but love. She will not have to fear anything and I won't have to be worried about her like I do her sisters.  I will have lost a child but not like what happened to those poor parents in CT.  I will get to have peace and hold her while she leaves us, and I will have peace knowing that Zooey has never known such violence. 

 One last thing that has kept me thankful and strong the last few days was something I watched. On Anderson Cooper, one of the set of parents to the little girls lost had decided to talk about her.  Her mother wanted people to know her, how great she was, what she had done that morning and how much she loved school. That mother was so strong and never broke down once. I believe that if she can be that strong with all she had been through, I can do this too.   

A visit

What a nice week it has been!! My Uncle came in town last Wednesday to hang out with his Southern family. I miss my mom's side of the family because they are all on the West coast. Even though they are far away I have always felt like they were the closest to me.  So this week has been quite busy with work, Tori's school and trying to make sure we spent time with my Uncle. One good thing this week is that we are ALL well, no more plague!! I can't say the same about work though, I think I am going to have to start wearing a mask around to keep from getting Zooey and I really sick. 

We first got to take my Uncle to Rock City Enchanted Gardens of Lights. It was such a nice night for it, too. It was a bit breezy but even Andy, who is always cold, was comfortable in short sleeves :) The lights and all the surroundings definitely made me a little less grumpy, and I got FUDGE!! Zooey has enjoyed that part ! We took a lot of pictures, so Zooey was very present for the festivities as well. It was so great to get away with my family and not have the things from last week bother me. Now that doesn't mean it hasn't been on my mind, that is for later on in this story.

The next night we went to Big River to have an early Christmas dinner with all of us. My dad came also. I don't know how everyone else felt but it really meant so much at that time to be with everyone. I get that way, probably all these freaking hormones. Plus I think my Hazelnut crusted chicken was so good that I was on a food high.  I just wish it didn't give me such bad dreams! After a rough night of sleep we did get up and make it out to the Chickamauga Battlefield on Sunday. I figured I would be so tired because of all the goings on for the last two days but it turned out to be just what I needed.  The kids enjoyed getting out and running about and I think Tori may have even learned something, about the Civil War, from her Uncle. I, on the other hand, was on a mission while we were in the fields.
Something that has truly bothered me, that most of you will laugh at, is that I can't find a 4 leaf clover. Yeah I know it sounds weird but if you know me REALLY well, you will know that I can find them like a it's nothing. I usually find several a year but not this year, and as you can imagine, I can't help but feel that it reflex my luck this year. Maybe it's because I don't have the time to just wonder like I use to, maybe? 

With that turn of events I have had more bad dreams, it just set the mood. I can't fight off the dread and sadness that  comes over me at times.It usually hits me in the mornings and I just have to sit and cry for a bit. I miss people and normal life. I should be happy like I was this week, all the time. Stressed, yes, but at least happy but reality sets back in and it takes me back to what I have to look forward too. I am 27 weeks this week. I don't have much longer and I need to stay strong for both of us but it does get harder the closer we get to Zooey's due date. I think I am even stressing out Andy, he is too good to say so but I can always tell :) 

I think it is just going to be a roller coaster ride for awhile. It always makes me think of the movie Parenthood, when the grandmother talks about her first ride on a roller coaster. She talks about how scared she was but how much fun it was too. It's not as much fun riding on the ferris wheel that just goes round and round, you got to have those twist and turns and ups and downs to make it worth riding. Well mine is turning out to be quite a ride.

Sorry for my rant

I am figuring out the picture thing, I think lol.
We had our pictures done this week and hope to see all of them very soon. I have my first real picture of my Zooey belly and love it. I am grateful to Casey for taking them, it really means a lot to me. All the nice things that people have or are doing for me is not going unnoticed. I just hope I can repay the kindness one day.



It has put me in a weird place lately, thinking about people who know me, aren't necessarily very close to me but we have kept in touch through social networking, have been so nice. I have gotten kind words, or just a note to check on how I am getting through all of this. It has also made me realize how some people disappear from your life that you use to be so close to. Maybe it's because they can't handle my situation or maybe I haven't been there enough for them, but people have disappointed me. Ones who I thought would always be there, that have not once called or wrote to check on how I am doing. Is it because our lives are so busy now? No, I don't think that because I know people who have just as busy lives who have written me and even sent me books to help me through this. Is it just me? Maybe I am a bad friend who asks for too much or wasn't thankful enough when they were there for me in the past. Oh who knows, but either way it hasn't helped my mood too much. I am the one who usually reaches out to try and see everyone and I have decided that if they don't respond then I need to not let it bother me. I am already depressed enough so I have to remember that I am not really alone.

I do have friends who have not let me down, ones who have promised to be there when I really need them and again the people who have been there for me that don't really even know me that well.  I think that is why I tell them that they have no idea how much it means to me. Just even an opportunity to laugh or talk about regular life has been great. That's really all I need, a laugh or maybe someone else s' problems to focus on. And I might add that some of friends have done what they can for me, and I know they can't always be there. I don't want to sound to selfish to them, I do know what it is like to have too much on your plate.

As for the going off part that I just went through above, I needed to vent that out. I have lately wanted to take the girls to see some Christmas lights and thought I would invite my friends. Some reponded and some haven't even acknowledged me for weeks now. It is hard to deal with in the state I am in but then I think of the ones that did respond and I am not so unlucky. My mom, who has had breast cancer twice, told me that she even experienced the same thing when she was sick. So why do people do that? Maybe it is because they aren't strong enough to deal with it. 

I consider myself a very strong person, I became a strong person. I know that this is getting the best of me at times so I have to realize that if I am having a hard time dealing with it, I can't expect someone who is not as strong as me to be able to deal with it. I also think it has to do with people's faith. I don't care who you pray to, it could be Budda, Mother Earth, or God, if you have the belief that there is a higher power then it makes you stronger too. My mother also thought me never to judge people by their race, color or religion, if you can't tell :)

I am sorry for the depressing and angry rant but again that is why I started this, to voice myself through this journey with Zooey. It can't always be pretty and it helps me not take it out on my loving household. I do have so good things coming, it's Christmas time and I am taking the girls to see lights and baking stuff! Also have a nice get together with school friends and my mom will be here soon, while I am on my ten day vacation!!  I do have things to look forward to, I just have to keep reminding myself of this. I also have to try and enjoy the time for Zooey's sake, if it is to be the only time I have with her then I need to enjoy it for both of us. 

So if you see me looking a little down just kick me in the butt and remind me of all the good things I have going for me, since I tend to forget and let the few bad things get to me :)

Bad days

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I know we did, we w ednesday and ate with my family and then Thursday we went to Andy's family dinner. I am one fat tick, still!! It was just nice to get to be with all my family and have some laughs. Since then it has been okay but I think reality is setting back in. This really stinks because I haven't even been in the mood to put up the tree.

Today has been the worst I think, so many people are passing on way to early and people are showing pictures of their new babies, it has got to me. I am so happy for the new families but it's hard to think that I won't have that time. I will miss out on all the happy visits from everyone and happy pictures. And then with all the people who are dying so early, I just feel like it isn't fair to lose such nice people so early in their life.

Another thing that is creeping in my brain and I can't make it stop, is the constant worry about my girls. I feel so vulnerable, like they could be taken away from me, too. I know that it's fate and God's plan as to what happens to us but it just can't seem to leave me right now. I am trying really hard not to cry everytime or go to bed with all the bed the bad thoughts in my head. 

  I seem to be everywhere with my thoughts and it shows as I write this but that is really how I feel right now. I have my friends who I talk to and they try to help and I try to setup things to do with the girls so I can feel normal again, but none of it seems to help right now. So I just have to hold the girls  a little closer and keep the Christmas music on to lighten my moods.  I also have to remember to keep the faith and hope that I will get some happiness when Zooey gets here and that the girls will be fine and nothing bad will happen to them. Maybe I need a Christmas movie marathon to help get in the mood, ending with National Lampoons ChristmasVacation! 

Holidays are here and pictures of Zooey!!

I am so excited and very grateful to a good friend, who has helped me get pictures of the family done. I have been wanting pictures of all of us, even my Zooey filled belly but everyone has been so busy. Then my friend contacted me and told me someone has offered to take them for me, and they would make sure they are special something for us to remember my Zooey time :) Casey from The-Focal Photography has some great ideas and we are getting them done this Thursday, YAY!!! 

I don't know if anyone would understand unless they were in a position like mine. I have been so worried that I won't do enough to remember this time. I really feel like time is flying by, maybe it's because I know she is safer inside me then outside me. I have started taking more pictures but the hard thing is taking pictures of myself. With the holidays here, I guess I am going to have to teach Andy how to take pictures, hehehe.  I want to capture all the good moments, and that says a lot since I hate pictures and I am not photogenic at all!! I just don't want to forget anything.

 Oh and the holidays, I am trying to get in the mood and enjoy each and every second of it. Since I am not really having to cook this year, I think that is why it feels different. I think I should do some baking to get in the mood, who wants cookies? But really, this maybe my only Christmas with Zooey and I want it to be special, just in case. I have done some shopping for ornaments and saw some that I would like to have for her but I think I may wait till next year, again just in case. If she isn't with us next year I want something that will represent her in a special way. With all this being said, I am suppose to be decorating right now but I thought I should get caught up.

I did go to the doctor but there really isn't anything new to report yet. I had to reschedule for the cardiologist but that is okay, Andy says when he listens to my heart that it sounds like it has gone back into rhythm. That to me is very curious, is that why I had that feeling? Was it fixing itself? I will find out in January.
The next doctor visit will be my sugar test, we couldn't do it last week because everyone, minus Tori, has had the plague. And might I add, having a head cold and being pregnant sucks for many reasons. One being that you really can't take much and two, I have to pee all the time and sneezing is the enemy!! Zooey doesn't seem to mind it though, she has been a very active little booger.   Well, I need to get back to the decorating and feeding of the other boogers. 


I do hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving and remember to be thankful for all the time with family. No matter how crazy they may drive you, we would be nothing without them ;)

Halloween, and the time between holidays

I have been trying to get my pictures on here but haven't succeed yet. We got to enjoy Halloween this year with Mya, now that she is old enough to walk and somewhat talk. I thought she might get scared from all the different costumes but she did really good. She was a little scared of her sister but she realized pretty quick who the ghoulish ghost really was. And of course her daddy was made up but she knew who he was!! It's her daddy, she has him under her little finger and loves it!! It was a really good Halloween, just wish I could have got dressed up and took some pictures of myself for Zooey's book.

I finally did take a pregnant picture of myself. I will probably take one every week now, just so I have some to put in her memory book. Really sad to think about the pictures I won't have of her but I think I am too numb to get upset about it anymore. It is like my mind is telling me to enjoy this time, with the holidays coming up and my mom coming in for Christmas. My body on the other hand is not cooperating! I have had some bad days the last few weeks. I don't feel well, nausea sets in , lack of energy, dizzy, and two Sundays ago I had problem with my heart issue. So, off to the doctor where I have so far been tested for my thyroid and iron count and later to the cardiologist for a look at my heart rhythm again. In a few weeks they will check my sugar too, if everything is fine then we will just chalk it up to stress, I guess. This is just because I am too old to have more babies, is what I am told, but it isn't fair. 

When Andy and I starting dating and getting to really know each other, he told me he had wanted eight kids at one time in his young life. I don't know if I could have handled eight but I knew I could handle two more. I don't think it is fair that, just because Andy and I met so late, I can't have atleast one more. Sometimes I wish we could have been together so much earlier than now but it wasn't in the cards. I did get two good things out of not meeting him and that is Tori and some knowledge of how a real relationship should be. I never take anything for granted and I try to appreciate Andy for everything he puts up with.....
 
  I am going to head off to the job now, wish I didn't have to because it's Andy's birthday but I haven't played the lottery this week!! Oh well, only two more weeks and we get some Thanksgiving time together and I get to pig out!!

 

Strength

I finally have a moment to myself, if you don't count the little one who is tearing up the Christmas catalog at my feet. 
It has been a pretty good week. I have found myself having more conversations about Zooey, and being asked "Oh, when is she due?" or "What are you having?". And, of course, they are all excited for me, and I just let them be. I don't feel everyone has to know what is going on or make them feel sorry for me. It is actually nice to have people just be excited for me. 
I got to eat lunch with a really good friend this week and we got to talk a little more about the outcome and what Andy and I are expecting. I could talk about it and not shed one tear........that's because I like it when I can be really open with my friends, it is sooo therapeutic. But later that day, when it was just Andy and I, I brought up our wedding date. I had decided I want to change it. One reason is because some much can go wrong and it is a lot to take in right now and until she gets here. Second, I feel we need something good after everything and I want to take the bad day in October and make it a better memory. So, I am trying to tell Andy that I want to get married Oct 8th 2013 and I can't get it out without crying. I don't know why it hits me like that but it does at the strangest times. Of course, if I am going to breakdown on someone, Andy is the best one to break down on. He just takes my hand and I feel better.

I know were my strength comes from, it comes from all the prayers everyone has said for me and Zooey. That is what helped me make my decisions, too. Wither you believe or not, prayers are the most positive thing someone can have going for them in a time of need. But you have to believe that it will help you, no matter how things turn out, never give up hope. I just want to Thank everyone who is keeping the faith and hope for me. 

I know this kind of ran of course but I am trying to get caught up........next time, Halloween!!



 

A calm week

It is funny how calm I am. It has been a very long week, I got to meet my Hospice team, two doctor visits, Halloween costume shopping, a fair and a corn maze, a family reunion dinner, and work!! I don't think I have had time to think a lot about Zooey except for when she kicks me :) She loves chocolate and hates when I am in a bent over position, these two moments are when I feel her the most. The other night I was sitting in the floor with Andy and had my hand on my belly, then my hand moved! She kicked so hard that I finally could see it and not just feel it. Things like this make it so hard to believe that there is something not right about my sweet Zooey.

The specialist we saw was very calming, he didn't focus too much on the bad but just the realistic. He also said that they were going to treat this like any other pregnancy but are going to focus more on me, to keep me safe. That was the same for my OBGYN this morning. He explained a little more about what kind of stress the baby goes through during delivery, and it started to make more sense to why they think she won't make it through delivery. Something that they all have in common, even the Hospice group, is that they haven't ever dealt with a TRISOMY 13 baby. So, we are all up in the air to what Zooey is going to be able to handle and how long she will be with us. The next thing I have to do is to get our pediatrician in on all that is going on, which I am sure she hasn't had to ever deal with this either.

I think that is why I am so calm, I realise I am not going through this alone. It is scarey and new for us all and it doesn't always have to be sad. Zooey has been given to me for a reason and maybe not just for me but for a lot of people to experience this and maybe cherish their time more.

Even my oldest understands how different it will be. We got to spend the day together, just her and I and she is very smart! Tori is always a surprise on what she understands and how she looks at it all. Plus she isn't afraid to talk about it, unlike most adults. Sometimes I can just see what people are thinking, and just wish they would say it and not feel bad for me. I know I am going to suffer a loss but that time is not here yet so I am going to enjoy it as much as I can.

One thing is for certain, Zooey will never be forgotten and she will be an experience for all of us.

Zooey Noel

This weekend has been very good for me. I have learned how wonderful people can really be. The amount of support I am getting sometimes sets me back because it makes me realize how much more I can give too. There has been tears shed but with that comes understanding. I am being told that I am teaching some people how to be strong and they are learning that there is more to life then what they thought,  very humbling as you can imagine. I am not doing this to be strong at something or to make people think I am great, I am doing it because I have to. She is my daughter, and know matter how long she is with me, that part will never change. 

I have enjoyed this weekend with my girls, Tori and Mya, and with lots of my girlfriends. It was nice to get away from explaining everything and just act like everything is okay. We got out to the fair and took our time and just enjoyed the food and crafts. Later that night,  ate dinner with friends and Andy. I laughed and was even able to talk about her without crying :). One other thing I found out this weekend is that she likes chocolate, or at least her body does, just like her mommy!

And, if you didn't notice the title, we named her. She has now gone from she to Zoe Noel. Her daddy had Zooey
 picked for sometime now, and I picked Noel. I wanted something kind of peaceful but different. 

Tomorrow starts a new week, I have to meet with the Hospice people in the morning and we go back to my specialist Tuesday morning. I am hoping I still feel like I do now after all that but I guess it just depends on what they can tell me. I will try to keep my head held high and just keep pushing back at all the negativity. 

October 17, 2012

Well I got the call from my genetic counselor today. She confirmed that she does have full term Trisomy 13. We already knew what the results would be but we did the amio just to have a definite answer.

On July 4th, when I found out I was pregnant, I would have never guessed this is where I would be. Pediatric Hospice will be the next phone call I get. They will be able to help us with everything, from counseling to the care at home if she makes it that far.

When I had a test run back in August called Materna 21, it is a blood test to have early detection of any issues such as this, I swore I would never abort it if I found out the baby had problems. I had in my mind such things as Downs or Edwards, not what my baby has been born with. It is practically a death sentence.

When we had the ultrasound done last Monday we saw a prefect little girl, her profile is beautiful and she has all her limbs, I just knew that test had to be wrong. But then the doctor came in and gave us ALL the bad news. First he said she had a under developed heart chamber, the one that pumps the blood to the body, then she has enlarged kidneys due to cysts that have formed with the kidneys. The good thing right now is that she is holding fluid still, but don't know for how long. And last, she has what they call Dandy Walker syndrome. She has not and will not form the left side of her cerebellum. All this is what looks like a perfect baby girl. The really bad thing about Trisomy 13 isn't just what she has wrong with her now but that the T13 effects everything even more when she is out of my body's protection. It can effect her breathing and her body's ability to continue functioning.

I have cried everyday since then but I know we were given her for a reason. Don't know quite yet why but I know she is to be special. I think about what I am doing to all mine and Andy's family, Andy included, and sometimes I feel selfish that I am making everyone go through this with me. I just hope everyone understands in the end.

I have read and heard and seen so many stories of other families' journey through this and it is sad but they are all happy that they didn't give them up, even with all the heart break. If I ended it now I would still have the heart break but just with guilt and wonder to added to it. Ending it will not change the sorrow. It started back when I got the test results back and it will always be there, I will just feel better knowing I am trying to give her a chance.

October 16, 2012

I have decided to start blogging. This is very scarey for me and also VERY new! The hope for this blog is for me to voice my feelings and things that happen to me on my new journey.

For those of you who don't know yet, I am pregnant. I am pregnant with a little girl who has Trisomy 13. It is hard for me to find words to describe it but lets say it isn't a great outlook for her. I want to stay hopeful for her but I know what the outcome will probably be. If I am lucky to carry her full term that will mean that I am able to see her pretty face and hold her but I will never know for how long. 

This is just the beginning of a very long journey.