The couple finally tied the knot!!

             We did it!! We finally got married!!

It was such a long time coming, but we knew that we were not going to be leaving each other.
  The smile on my face in the picture below tells you how happy I was and still am. I really can't believe how much I wanted this. We wanted it, I should say. Even though he doesn't say it, he still showed it in his own way.

  We had a small wedding, one that I planned in two weeks. We were going to go of and get married by ourselves, but we realized that some of the family would be upset. The one thing we didn't want was to hurt anyone's feelings, so we had to hurry and plan. I think it worked out great. I have been married before and it was a larger wedding, and this still felt better than any day in my life so far. It is so true that it doesn't matter how big the wedding, just matters how happy the couple is to be doing it.

  We had the girls with us. I had Tori be our ring bearer, just so she would know how much she is a part of all this, even if her last name is different. I think she really enjoyed it. In some of the pictures you can see the same smile I was wearing, on her face as well. It really made me so excited to see her happiness.  Of course, Mya, she just went on being the cute little devil that she is. We brought Zooey along too.  She is always in our hearts and this time I carried a vile of her ashes in my bouquet. I know she was proud of her parents that day.

 We had as much family as we could invite with us, my mom and brother couldn't be there, both due to travel reasons. I know they would have been there if they could.  I thought it was great to have his grandparents there, especially since none of mine are still living. It felt right to have such a loving couple there, one that had been through many years of ups, and a few downs.
 I also had two of my oldest and best friends there.  One of them did most of the pictures on here, my sister in law did the others. 

 It rained on our wedding day and people keep telling us it's good luck. I don't know if it's true but I will say that we were lucky before, we found each other, that's pretty lucky in my book. It also rained all of our honeymoon, is that a good sign too?
 At first, I was pretty upset about the weather but then I decided it wasn't going to matter about the weather. I just enjoyed a quiet four days with my new husband. We both just took it all in stride, and enjoyed each others company. We walked, shopped, and ate!! We do love good food!!!

 I pray that our happy days remain but I know that if we are tested again, we will make it. One thing we were asked, when we went to get our marriage license, was if we had gotten any marriage counseling. In my mind, I thought, we have been through a lot in almost four years. I have lost a job and got it back,  we lost a child, we sometimes aren't always the richest people in the neighborhood, and we work our life away.This life we lead isn't perfect but we have made it through these things and never once looked back. I think that counts as life counseling, so it should count as a type of marriage counseling. Oh well, it didn't count but I know that we will make it, no matter what :)

Happy Thanksgiving

Hello everybody! It's been a while since I have been on here. We have been a busy family, but most important we have been a happy family.
 I woke up this morning very happy to have my little family with me. Andy had to work his full shift but he finally came home to us, he will be grumpy later ;) The girls and I are doing our tradition of warm sweet rolls and milk (mommy has chocolate chai tea) and watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. When I was younger my mom and I always watched it, I love that I can carry this over to my little girls.
Next year , when I finally will be in our house, I hope to be able to cook Thanksgiving dinner for everyone. I miss the smells that go with the parade, my mom always cooked a great Thanksgiving dinner. Don't get me wrong, I did get some of the smells yesterday.
I got to cook yesterday for my dinner with my Dad, brother, sister in law, and the kids. We had a great night with lots of food and love, and that's what it is about. I love spending time with my family no matter what day it is on. Today I get to spend the day with my other family, the Masons, so, more food and love for me, I think I will need to go on a strict diet after these two days of good food!!!

  I am only missing one thing, and that is Zooey. I really didn't think that it would hit me till Christmas but I have had a few things that set me off. One was while I was doing wedding dress shopping. I was at Belk and they had a tree with beautiful "Baby's first Christmas" on it. I teared up right there, if someone had seen me they would have thought I was skitzo. I went from smiling to crying in two seconds! Then this morning while enjoying the girls and the parade, Johnson & Johnson had a commercial of a baby talking and telling it's mother that she was doing okay. UGH, talk about pulling at my heart strings!  I will have to change the channel every time it comes on or I will have puffy face for the whole Christmas   season. I miss her very much and that will never change. No matter how happy I am, that hole is there and it really keeps me centered. I would love to find something for Christmas that is a special reminder of her, something that will make her part of our celebration. I guess I will have to get looking.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving, and you soak up all the laughs and memories that come from this holiday and the next. I will be!!
The next time I write I will be Mrs. Mason, so I am  sure I will have a lot to share :))

The melt down moment of clarity

Having a complete melt down is kinda new for me, but it happened. I have decided that it had to happen for me to realize a few things in my life. One is that I have not finished my grieving and I HAVE got to let myself do it. Even if it means that I curl up in a corner with Zooey's blanket, hair brush , etc., and just let it all fly out, it has to happen and it has to happen often.
 Second thing is I can not please everyone and I will just have to piss people off even when it is not my real intent. If they can't handle what I have to do, what I must say, or that I can't bend to fit their needs, then it isn't my problem. I like to be able to say that most people get along with me but it isn't true and I know it. There will always be someone who must talk about me or dislike me. That is just life and it doesn't make me a bad person, it just means I am being myself and they are just being who they are.
 Third thing I learned from this is that I like to write. I had very old friend, Erika Blackmon, who posted not too long ago about this. We both grew up HATING to write. She now loves to write and she is very good at it. I loved to read but I hated to try and put a story or feeling on a page. Strange that I find out now ,as I get older, that it does make me feel. I don't think I am fantastic at it because usually I feel like I am all over place. I try to get down everything that I am thinking at that moment and, believe me, there is a lot in there! My mom just told me, after my melt down, that it seemed to relax me when I write. It does.

 When I was younger I loved to take pictures. I took them all the time of my friends and when Tori was little I would take a ton of pictures of her. It's a little harder for her to stand still long enough now for me to get a good one of her. I now have Mya as my muse and I still love to catch a good shot. But, sometimes I see things and wish I could capture that moment forever but I don't have a camera or I do and it doesn't come out just like I saw it. It is still there but just in my mind.
 I can still keep those images, I write them down how I see them. Just like the image of Zooey when she she grabbed my finger. It was just a second in time, like it stopped for everybody but her and I. It took me just that second for my mind to realize what was happening and that my brain said "Don't take this for granted, remember it all, just like it is now." I have those moments a lot. When I was 21 and lived in North Chattanooga, I was going to work, and I saw a little girl standing on her porch. Her house was on a hill and if you stood there I bet you could see all of downtown. She had to be about Mya's age and only had a towel on. Something about the way she stood there, looking out at it all, struck me. I remember I wished, again, I had had a camera. It was such a pretty sight to me, and as you can tell, it stayed with me. I remember it just like it was yesterday. I see things like this and I write it down. I see Andy sleeping and in my mind I see it in black and white, just a peaceful picture of a beautiful guy sleeping , stuck in my mind like a real photograph.
 I have decided to use this to my advantage. I will use it to continue writing on those bad days. So, if you see me carrying around an old note pad, you will know I am having a bad day. Don't feel bad, because it has to be this way for a little while. I will conquer it. Just like one of my favorite songs says, 

"And I'll breathe again...

Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be a warrior please
Make me a Hercules"

Some times are so good

 Some times are so good that you don't want them to end!! I have had some good times lately, when I needed them most. I know that I let stress overwhelm me and I have been fighting with this, trying to find answers to make my stress melt away.

 This summer was so fast but I did get to enjoy a little time with the girls, and also got the rest I needed. It is just lately it seems everything was bothering me more than usual. I am talking about being on the verge of tears everyday. This is not me!!

 Then I would look at my Mya and laugh at her crazy ways and admire her preciousness. She is definitely my doer. GO GO GO all the time :)

 I took the girls to the zoo and it was just wonderful to not be in a hurry for once. We just got to hang out and watch all the animals. Mya was amazed by most of it, I think she wanted to get in the cages with them.

She has also learned to sing a few songs....she is just like her sitter in that matter. Tori sang all the time when she was 2. Tori on the other hand was also my watcher. She was controlled and loved to observe. She is still that way, I can't get her to GO GO GO :D
She is in her goofy stage, too!! I can never get  good picture of her. It is a shame because as she gets older, she is becoming such a beauty.

Andy and I have gotten to have a few days to ourselves. We enjoyed a Lookouts game one night and as you can see, we got to meet Sara Bareilles!!! She has always been one of my favorites and I can't believe the luck that came my way. I wanted to go to this concert but wasn't sure how. I just said to myself that if it was meant to be I would be able to find a way to go. Sure enough, Andy's mom's girlfriend at work won the tickets and didn't want to go. Not only did she win those but she also won a meet and greet with her!! My prayers for some luck came through. 

 Miracles do happen and I am seeing it everyday. I just have to keep remembering to take them all in. My girls and Andy are miracles, my family are a miracle, and my friends who are there for me all the time are miracles. I am still really lucky, I just have to stop and smell the roses when it gets to hard.

 The summer is ending, school has started, and fall is my favorite time of the year. I pray everyday, whether it's my rosary or just a small quiet prayer of sanity, it has a calming and reassuring effect. I know my Zooey is watching me and I don't want her to see me suffering so. It will get better, it has gotten better, and it will continue.

 Happy six months to my precious angel.......
I love you and know you watch over all of us. I miss you everyday but I know you are well and in a much better place. It never is easy to know that you were never meant to be here very long, I have days that I wish I could just hold you one more time.

 You are the prettiest angel I have ever seen and I feel so lucky to have had the privilege to be your mommy.

Carrying on

 Here it is, almost August. It seems like time really has flown by the last few months, so different from the last year. I still can't seem to wrap my mind around it all. February is an eternity away in my mind, but really it's only been about 6 months. Zooey would have been 6 months in a few weeks. Something which I wasn't even thinking about this time last year. I had just found out I was pregnant on the Fourth of July 2012 and was going into last August with a great feeling. I had planned on having my Materna 21 test on August 13th, because I wanted to cut out having to go to the specialist OBGYN. Never imagined what I would find out a few weeks later. And, all this was not even a year ago!! It's weird how my mind works all of this together.

  Here I am, carrying on and living each day the best I can. I find myself forgetting things, being overwhelmed by life and work, and feeling like I will never catch up. I get upset about it and blame old age but then I sit back and go "Hey, you just lost a baby six months ago, it will get better but you have to give it some time." Isn't it odd that I have to keep reminding myself to slow down and have patience with myself ? I miss Zooey everyday but I can't dwell on it because if I did I would be useless to my family. You would find me curled up in a corner, crying, or just laying in a daze not being able to move from all the pain that lays in my heart.
It's also hard to see people go on and forget what I have been through. But, again, I am trying to move on and not let it get in the way of my life I have now. So, why would I expect others to be a little more careful and cautious with me? I just have to keep asking all these questions so I can make it all make sense in my mind. People go on, but the mom never can get to far before the heart strings start to tug for a good cry.

 I also surround myself with my two beautiful girls and Andy. They are what REALLY holds me all together, with them I will never completely fall apart. Now more than ever, I wish I could spend everyday showing them how much I love them. I wish I had more time, and money lol, to do more with the girls. I want them to experience life and to be grateful for everyday we have here on this beautiful earth. It is a beautiful plant we live on, too bad we don't treat as such.
 I do turn to prayer on bad days and it helps to keep all the bad out. Grief still comes but that isn't the bad part, I need to grieve. It just helps calm me from all the other worries I have. I need to do more of it, I need to make more time for myself to find some peace in prayer. It also makes me feel close to my Zooey. She is always with me but when I pray I just feel she is close. It also chases away the stress that continues to plague my days!!

 I know this all is going to get a little easier and my days will stop feeling so short. It will take time, time that I hope people will give me. I ask for forgiveness that I don't remember it all anymore and I forget to do something.
I pray for better days to come and more time to spend with my family. We still need to venture out and do things we wouldn't normally do, it may take some bribing on Andy's part ...........like eat tomatoes or yoga :) There is just one thing I have to keep reminding myself.

It has only been 5 months, three weeks, and a few days since I lost Zooey and here I am still carrying on.

My evening with Erlanger's 2013 Nurse of Excellence

 Oh, where to begin! I write because it helps me get things off my chest and is like therapy. I am not great at it but it is really not suppose to be. Well with that being said, I write better than I speak, so you can only imagine what that is like. I do not do well when I have to speak to a crowd of people, especially a crowd that I don't know and happen to be the board of directors at a hospital!! I had the pleasure of doing this today. It was the monthly board members meeting with all of the board of directors plus some.

 I was excited that I got to meet with my nurse, Jennifer, that I had the day that Zooey came into and exited this world. We have not seen each other since that day and I really was glad that I was going to be able to tell her how much she meant to me. Jennifer has won the 2013 Nurse of Excellence Award for Erlanger. I wasn't sure how I fit into the picture and got an invite to this meeting until the Chief Nursing Director had told me about the letter my mother had wrote to the hospital. I, of course, had never seen or read this letter so this would be my first time hearing it.

When the girls and I got to the hospital, I took Tori and Mya for support since Andy had to work, Jennifer and her daughter were waiting for us in the lobby. I loved that I got to meet her daughter and Mya seemed to really like her too. It was more comfortable than I thought, especially since this lady had seen me at my worst but I know that is what makes her so great, she has that kind of comfortable disposition. She really made Zooey's birth day so easy, she pushed me along when I probably would have just froze up.

 I think I should explain what she had done for me that day, in short. Jennifer was the nurse who was working the floor when we got our room. She was there for when Zooey was at her best and at her worst. She helped us try to get her to take a breath and was also there when they called Zooey's death. From there she became my strength to do a few very important things that I would have never thought about. We had a little" beauty shop time" with Zooey. We got Zooey cleaned up, brushed her hair, and put on a pretty outfit. She also reminded me that I may want to keep everything that we had used. I still sometimes take out the hair brush so I can smell Zooey's hair. Jennifer was there for a lot of the day and even came to check on me before she made her long drive home. She took the best care of me, which had to be hard seeing that Andy and I were suffering the worst thing to happen to a parent.

  So, today, when I had to get in front of all those people I told this story. Sort of. As I said in the beginning, I am awful when it comes to speaking to the public. I really don't know if it went well, I just spoke from my heart and tried to fight the tears as they were sneaking out. Listening to my mother's wonderful letter didn't help me from NOT crying :) There I was in front of the hospital's board of directors, just babbling away with the tears flowing. Even though my mother's letter and my testimony made some of them cry, I still don't know if any of it made any sense. Plus, I left things out. Urgh!!!!!! I sit here thinking of all the things I should have said but I am guessing it doesn't really matter. Tori was so sweet and told me I did a good job. I DID get to thank Jennifer and that is all that matters. I got to show her a few of the pictures that were being taken as she took care of me. She was able to see how pretty Zooey looked in them. I got to tell her how important she was that day and that what she does for a living really does matter........she changed a horrible day into beautiful moments.

Here I am

Here I am. I have been a little busy with Mya's birthday and my 40th birthday and just the everyday life we live, but I am here. It has been rough some days, the urge to want to pull someone's head off tends to be the mood I have been in. With that in mind, I am also trying to find ways to calm myself and enjoy everything I have got.
Don't get me wrong, there has been some cool days too. I did receive news that the hospital that Zooey was born at is honoring the nurse who helped me with Zooey that first day. I know it couldn't have been easy to watch us go from happy to suffering such a big loss but my nurse was awesome and made the day so much easier. We have been invited to be there the night she is honored, I hope we can do it.

 Plus, I did get to celebrate my 40th with my family and a few girlfriends. We also broke Andy into the Velcro Pygmies club :) That was a great night and Andy really enjoyed himself. Mya's birthday party turned out great also, we didn't have big sissy with us because she was in FL but everyone else got to come. It was a beautiful day of blowing ten foot bubbles and letting the kids try to pop them.

 Today, things have been just seem to be going through my head and one thing that sticks out is how lucky we are. God has been good to us. I look at my girls and I see him. I look at Andy and I see him. I am lucky my life has gone the way it has, because God does not choose what our life will be like, he just helps us when we make the choices we do, I have not always been the best person and I know I have paid the price somehow, at some time. I deal with it and know that I have learned from it.

 This got me to thinking about how to make our life even better. There are things that I would like to do and have and it really isn't much. I just need to try better in achieving it. I would like a house, one that doesn't have to be show room beautiful, one that I can make ours. It should have a big kitchen so I can cook, I don't need it to be fancy. Heck I don't care if the girls want to paint the cabinets different colors, I just want it big and to be ours. I want a garden so I can TRY ( Andy can tell you how well this will go lol) to grow our own veggies. I want to learn to cook healthier for all of us, and I need the time that goes with that!! One day maybe buy some canvas and paint and have the girls and I paint all day. I am not a big painter but who cares, it is something I should do. Plus, we could hang our paintings in the house for us, no one else, just for us. I have always danced and sang in the car,even at the red lights lol. I really don't care what people may think of me, and I want to pass that along to my girls. I don't want them to be afraid of being a little crazy sometimes, it is so good to be able to laugh at ourselves and be silly.

 So much of our life we waste on how much we can not do something or trying to fit in.  I have decided I have to quite thinking this way. So what that  I can't paint worth a flip, or I kill a few veggie plants before I get it right. The point is this is the one life we have and we should make the best with what we have. Zooey will never be there physically to paint with me or cook with me but she sure will be there in spirit. I think this is why I have been so cranky, I know I should be living a life for her and I need to start doing it now.

 This blog has been so random but it is what has been on my mind, I just go with it and type away, kinda how my days are.  I must go now but I will be back again and hopefully with some more changes and a better attitude :)

My Mother :)

I have decided that I needed to write about my mother today. I know it's mother's day but it's not the only reason I have decided this, she has been on my mind a lot lately because of things going on in my life right now. This maybe short but it will help me explain how much I admire and love my mother.

 My mother is a very amazing person. My dad and mom separated and divorced when my brother and I were very young. This of course was hard on both my parents but my mom had us to take care of so she picked up and made the decision to raise us alone. Her family has always lived out west so it was just us three. My grandfather did come to live with us for a little while, which I didn't realize how special this was until later in my life. I didn't realize a lot of things until I got older. My mom worked a lot of hours, cleaned our apartment, paid all the bills, stressed over where I or my brother was, all by herself. She was very stern about what I did, when I did it, and who I did it with. I now understand why. I think that with all the tiring times that she went through, she raised two great kids.
She gave us strength to be who we are and helped us see the world in a better light. She taught us to respect others without any discrimination.
 My mom showed us the beauty of the world by taking us places and always having fun. I have lots of memories of our trips together, and I know it wasn't always anything fancy but they were the BEST times. We went to Lake Winnie, to POPS in the park, Lookout games, Riverbend, Washington and California, drove cross country to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday and so much more. We saw lots of movies in the theaters, which became one of my favorite things to do and which eventually brought Andy and I together in a way.  My mother helped buy my first car and taught me responsibility by making me get a job and learn how to pay my bills. All this she did alone, yes my dad did pay child support, but my mom always made sure we had things that we really wanted.  Thanksgiving and Christmas time at her house is some of the most warming memories I have. She always cooked a big meal, even though there were only three of us. Our presents were the best because she knew what we wanted and even though she couldn't always afford much, there was always a ton to open. Even all the midnight masses she drug us to have left a heartwarming memory of beauty and song. She was always there for when Nick had games or I had music programs. She didn't miss anything.

 This is all when we were young and we eventually grew up to where we could take care of ourselves. She moved back out west and we have gone to visit beautiful San Francisco a few times. My mother has faced and survived Breast Cancer twice and several surgeries by herself. She has had help from her brother and sisters and friends but sometimes I feel really bad that I couldn't be there for her though all of it.

 My mother has been here for everything I have ever needed. Even if it was just a phone call or a card from miles away, she has always made me feel better. It really hit home when she came in to help me with Zooey. That's when I realized how much I really miss having her here and how much she has done for me to make me this strong person I can be. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be the mother I am today.I would not have had the strength or the morals that I do now. I hope that I can pass this along to my girls so they can survive in this world of no morals and hate.

 I love my mother more than she knows and I hope that I can repay her for it all one day. I have never really told her all this, one because I write better than I talk but also because I can't say it all without crying.
So, MOM, now you know that what you taught me really did matter and I am grateful for all you have ever done for me........even if I didn't know it at the time.

          I LOVE YOU, MOM, and I wish we could be together today. I hope you enjoy your day and we will see each other soon!! Oh and your gift will be mailed tomorrow (something I didn't get from my mother is promptness lol)