The Rancorous Side of Me

This week has not been great. I have had a lot going wrong lately, but I have noticed that it seems to be going around. It's like something dark has cloaked it's self over the world or just maybe our area. Either way, life seems to suck for a numerous amount of people I know. 

With this in mind, I  try to have patience with everything that doesn't quite go my way for the day. I am learning to pray my rosary more, to ask for blessings in the morning, or just take a minute to say thank you for what I do have.  This will not be like any post I have ever made before...........

Today was not successful and I feel  must write it all out. I need to just release it and hope it helps it go away. 

 My mouth became the enemy instead of just turning the cheek and being the better person. What was worse is I didn't say it to her face so I had just became what made me mad in the first place. This has really bothered me because I don't have many people in my life who have ever hurt me so bad that I can't seem to forgive them. When I have to add someone to that list, something happens to me and it's not pretty. For me, those people do not exist anymore, and I hide them away in a deep dark place. It is said that it is always better to forgive than to forget but I just can't seem to get past certain things. The provocateur in this particular event has done things in the past and I know she can get to me. I usually just go about my day and never interact with her, but today I tried to be a little civil. It went fine until a few hours later and I become the butt of the joke.


And then begins the rancorous side of me.

I have fought this battle with my dark side for a long time. It started when I was really young. I was picked on because I was different. I was not rich , I was not athletic, my teeth aren't straight, my skin was too dark, I wasn't the prettiest or skinniest, I didn't wear the latest trends, and so many other reasons that the kids could find to not like me. I also had a lot going on with my dad and the new part of my family.  My mom and brother seemed to be all I really had.  So this was the start of the BULLYING, and it did not end there. The reasons to dislike me only changed as I got older. I learned to just suck it up and move on but as I did, something hard was growing inside me. I was quiet. I wouldn't smile like all the other girls, even my friends were even unsure of why they were friends with me.  High School wasn't very fun for me because I wasn't one of those girls who played along. Guys thought they were funny by calling me " Tonto", as in the Lone Ranger.  A girl can only take so much and one day it all changed, I decided I couldn't hold it in any longer. Those friends stayed but saw a very vicious and violent Valerie come about. I have always had a potty mouth btw,  but now I had the attitude to go with it.

 I lashed out anytime someone called me some stupid name or wanted to pick on my friends. I used all that vile behavior I had put up with to justify my ugly persona. I covered up my pain with alcohol, drugs, and many other bad decisions. I got into fights, and usually won them, for various reasons. Yeah, it's a lot to take in isn't it? Not a very pretty picture but it's a lot to hold in too.  For a long time I thought that Zooey was my punishment for my past behavior, my penance. I know better now but it's hard not to come to those conclusions when you know you haven't always been the best reflection. 

I found different groups of friends as I  grew up, most of them are still some of my best friends, and some are just Facebook friends who I get to say hi to every once and awhile. But, every single one of those true friends I made, even if we were just friends for a season, made a big difference in me.
They helped me trust again. I felt like I was worthy of friendship, of love apart from family. They were okay with my quirkiness and my not so straight teeth. They made me feel beautiful for being dark haired, dark skinned, and a tad chunky. I began to mellow but that one part, the part that can not forgive, stayed. It just sank a tad deeper, it never truly went away.

Then I had Tori and just like the Grinch, my heart grew 2 times it's size and my evil side was blinded.  I changed so much that my best friends STILL like to talk about it. What was even better was when I met Andy, someone who understood that dark side of me, because he has that same side but his is buried even more deeper than mine. I could relate to him and him to me, he dealt with so much when he was younger just like me. Only Andy is so much better than me, and the girls are such good medicine for a tortured soul. He is so level headed, has the biggest heart, funny, and come on, pretty darn hot!! How could anyone ever be mean to him? But, it did happen and he has learned to live with it too. Now we are one HUGE happy family. I have taught Tori how to deal with bullying and I've been successful!! She really does march to her own beat and doesn't mind, I'm so proud of her.

Now why can't I do like I teach? Why do I let people bully me and get the best of me?
I still pray that one day I can forgive those that have created the monster that lies beneath.
I love my life and the majority of people who are in my life from my co workers to my best friends and all my family. I would do most anything for them and I would definitely stand up for them. So how can people who don't know me not even give me a chance to prove I'm not so bad? I guess that is for me to learn to let go and forgive. It's up to me to turn the cheek and move on. I hope I can.   

Why I will never get tired of hearing "Let it Go"

 Hello!! It's been a long time, a whole year to be exact. I have so much that I want to get out but I don't want to bore everyone just yet.

First off I will start by saying that I had another baby!! My rainbow baby came to us on Sept 16th, very stress free and joyous! Her name is Harper, after the author of my favorite book, and Maizey, kind of a cross of her sister's names. She is the best baby out of all of them (don't tell the other girls hehe), she would have never been if it hadn't been for Zooey. I think that makes her the most special. Maybe, she will be the one that saves this planet or cures cancer, whatever it is, she was meant to be here and Zooey knew it.


 It took a lot to do it again but I just knew it was going to be okay. I am always humbled by people who tell me that they look up to me and that they could have never done it. I think people under estimate themselves. I am no one special, just someone who was tested, pushed to see where my breaking point was. People deal with decisions similar to mine all the time. We all are heroes to someone, and sometimes we get told to our faces, and sometimes we just change someone's life and we will never know who and how much.

 This leads me to being the mother of three. My life is a ZOO! I really can't
 tell you how much I love it and loathe it. Some days I swear I just long for the days where I could get up when I wanted, drink my coffee, go for a 3 mile run, go for drinks or an all day date with Andy and stay up late watching all my shows.  Oh and don't get me started on having my old body back!!

 
But then Mya does something goofy and it makes me laugh, and then I get tears in my eyes because I couldn't imagine not having that little butt head in my life. Mya is my princess. She loves to sing (anything from Frozen or Sia will do)  and dance but she has that Gemini side that no one wants to mess with. That poor girl is so much like her mother and I feel like I must apologize for what I have done to her. Mya is special to me for other reasons, one being she made her daddy a daddy for the first time. It can't get any better than that. The others will be seen as she grows, I know deep down she will shine brighter than most.

  Victoria comes home with straight As for the up tee nth time and I swell with pride that I did something right. All by myself with her for 6 years of her life and she isn't scarred or rebellious for not having her dad around. Victoria surprises me all the time with either the music she likes, the way she is getting her own style, and sometimes how she has grown to have such a smart humor :D That is thanks to her mother and her step dad!!i am so proud of that girl. She is such a beauty but she doesn't care, she flows to her own beat.


 I never thought I would be a mother but here I am with three beauties here on earth and one in heaven keeping me inline. Some days I could just cry in frustration and the overwhelming noise, but other days bring me back to earth. I know I would be lost without all of them. So on days when Mya is screaming from the living room, Tori is rambling about something I have no clue about, and Harper is throwing up her last bottle, I will learn to be more patient. I know how precious each of their little lives are to me. We will dance and sing more, even if it is Let it Go for the hundredth time. I will savor each time I have to read a night time book or give four more kisses and hugs. They are what makes me who I am, and I am so happy to have so much to love. am, and I am so happy to have so much to love.  I will do more writing as time goes on, maybe not as much as I like, but I am making myself sit down and put it on paper. It will be jumbled thoughts, it could be a novel, who knows at this point. I just feel that even if no one else ever cares to read it, it will be something I can leave the girls and it helps me release. I have come a long way since I started this blog, something that started out of fear and sorrow, and I think I can turn it into something light, funny, and somewhat entertaining. I am just asking for you to bare with me as I get it rolling. We all may learn something ;)