Bad days

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I know we did, we w ednesday and ate with my family and then Thursday we went to Andy's family dinner. I am one fat tick, still!! It was just nice to get to be with all my family and have some laughs. Since then it has been okay but I think reality is setting back in. This really stinks because I haven't even been in the mood to put up the tree.

Today has been the worst I think, so many people are passing on way to early and people are showing pictures of their new babies, it has got to me. I am so happy for the new families but it's hard to think that I won't have that time. I will miss out on all the happy visits from everyone and happy pictures. And then with all the people who are dying so early, I just feel like it isn't fair to lose such nice people so early in their life.

Another thing that is creeping in my brain and I can't make it stop, is the constant worry about my girls. I feel so vulnerable, like they could be taken away from me, too. I know that it's fate and God's plan as to what happens to us but it just can't seem to leave me right now. I am trying really hard not to cry everytime or go to bed with all the bed the bad thoughts in my head. 

  I seem to be everywhere with my thoughts and it shows as I write this but that is really how I feel right now. I have my friends who I talk to and they try to help and I try to setup things to do with the girls so I can feel normal again, but none of it seems to help right now. So I just have to hold the girls  a little closer and keep the Christmas music on to lighten my moods.  I also have to remember to keep the faith and hope that I will get some happiness when Zooey gets here and that the girls will be fine and nothing bad will happen to them. Maybe I need a Christmas movie marathon to help get in the mood, ending with National Lampoons ChristmasVacation! 

Holidays are here and pictures of Zooey!!

I am so excited and very grateful to a good friend, who has helped me get pictures of the family done. I have been wanting pictures of all of us, even my Zooey filled belly but everyone has been so busy. Then my friend contacted me and told me someone has offered to take them for me, and they would make sure they are special something for us to remember my Zooey time :) Casey from The-Focal Photography has some great ideas and we are getting them done this Thursday, YAY!!! 

I don't know if anyone would understand unless they were in a position like mine. I have been so worried that I won't do enough to remember this time. I really feel like time is flying by, maybe it's because I know she is safer inside me then outside me. I have started taking more pictures but the hard thing is taking pictures of myself. With the holidays here, I guess I am going to have to teach Andy how to take pictures, hehehe.  I want to capture all the good moments, and that says a lot since I hate pictures and I am not photogenic at all!! I just don't want to forget anything.

 Oh and the holidays, I am trying to get in the mood and enjoy each and every second of it. Since I am not really having to cook this year, I think that is why it feels different. I think I should do some baking to get in the mood, who wants cookies? But really, this maybe my only Christmas with Zooey and I want it to be special, just in case. I have done some shopping for ornaments and saw some that I would like to have for her but I think I may wait till next year, again just in case. If she isn't with us next year I want something that will represent her in a special way. With all this being said, I am suppose to be decorating right now but I thought I should get caught up.

I did go to the doctor but there really isn't anything new to report yet. I had to reschedule for the cardiologist but that is okay, Andy says when he listens to my heart that it sounds like it has gone back into rhythm. That to me is very curious, is that why I had that feeling? Was it fixing itself? I will find out in January.
The next doctor visit will be my sugar test, we couldn't do it last week because everyone, minus Tori, has had the plague. And might I add, having a head cold and being pregnant sucks for many reasons. One being that you really can't take much and two, I have to pee all the time and sneezing is the enemy!! Zooey doesn't seem to mind it though, she has been a very active little booger.   Well, I need to get back to the decorating and feeding of the other boogers. 


I do hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving and remember to be thankful for all the time with family. No matter how crazy they may drive you, we would be nothing without them ;)

Halloween, and the time between holidays

I have been trying to get my pictures on here but haven't succeed yet. We got to enjoy Halloween this year with Mya, now that she is old enough to walk and somewhat talk. I thought she might get scared from all the different costumes but she did really good. She was a little scared of her sister but she realized pretty quick who the ghoulish ghost really was. And of course her daddy was made up but she knew who he was!! It's her daddy, she has him under her little finger and loves it!! It was a really good Halloween, just wish I could have got dressed up and took some pictures of myself for Zooey's book.

I finally did take a pregnant picture of myself. I will probably take one every week now, just so I have some to put in her memory book. Really sad to think about the pictures I won't have of her but I think I am too numb to get upset about it anymore. It is like my mind is telling me to enjoy this time, with the holidays coming up and my mom coming in for Christmas. My body on the other hand is not cooperating! I have had some bad days the last few weeks. I don't feel well, nausea sets in , lack of energy, dizzy, and two Sundays ago I had problem with my heart issue. So, off to the doctor where I have so far been tested for my thyroid and iron count and later to the cardiologist for a look at my heart rhythm again. In a few weeks they will check my sugar too, if everything is fine then we will just chalk it up to stress, I guess. This is just because I am too old to have more babies, is what I am told, but it isn't fair. 

When Andy and I starting dating and getting to really know each other, he told me he had wanted eight kids at one time in his young life. I don't know if I could have handled eight but I knew I could handle two more. I don't think it is fair that, just because Andy and I met so late, I can't have atleast one more. Sometimes I wish we could have been together so much earlier than now but it wasn't in the cards. I did get two good things out of not meeting him and that is Tori and some knowledge of how a real relationship should be. I never take anything for granted and I try to appreciate Andy for everything he puts up with.....
 
  I am going to head off to the job now, wish I didn't have to because it's Andy's birthday but I haven't played the lottery this week!! Oh well, only two more weeks and we get some Thanksgiving time together and I get to pig out!!

 

Strength

I finally have a moment to myself, if you don't count the little one who is tearing up the Christmas catalog at my feet. 
It has been a pretty good week. I have found myself having more conversations about Zooey, and being asked "Oh, when is she due?" or "What are you having?". And, of course, they are all excited for me, and I just let them be. I don't feel everyone has to know what is going on or make them feel sorry for me. It is actually nice to have people just be excited for me. 
I got to eat lunch with a really good friend this week and we got to talk a little more about the outcome and what Andy and I are expecting. I could talk about it and not shed one tear........that's because I like it when I can be really open with my friends, it is sooo therapeutic. But later that day, when it was just Andy and I, I brought up our wedding date. I had decided I want to change it. One reason is because some much can go wrong and it is a lot to take in right now and until she gets here. Second, I feel we need something good after everything and I want to take the bad day in October and make it a better memory. So, I am trying to tell Andy that I want to get married Oct 8th 2013 and I can't get it out without crying. I don't know why it hits me like that but it does at the strangest times. Of course, if I am going to breakdown on someone, Andy is the best one to break down on. He just takes my hand and I feel better.

I know were my strength comes from, it comes from all the prayers everyone has said for me and Zooey. That is what helped me make my decisions, too. Wither you believe or not, prayers are the most positive thing someone can have going for them in a time of need. But you have to believe that it will help you, no matter how things turn out, never give up hope. I just want to Thank everyone who is keeping the faith and hope for me. 

I know this kind of ran of course but I am trying to get caught up........next time, Halloween!!