My evening with Erlanger's 2013 Nurse of Excellence

 Oh, where to begin! I write because it helps me get things off my chest and is like therapy. I am not great at it but it is really not suppose to be. Well with that being said, I write better than I speak, so you can only imagine what that is like. I do not do well when I have to speak to a crowd of people, especially a crowd that I don't know and happen to be the board of directors at a hospital!! I had the pleasure of doing this today. It was the monthly board members meeting with all of the board of directors plus some.

 I was excited that I got to meet with my nurse, Jennifer, that I had the day that Zooey came into and exited this world. We have not seen each other since that day and I really was glad that I was going to be able to tell her how much she meant to me. Jennifer has won the 2013 Nurse of Excellence Award for Erlanger. I wasn't sure how I fit into the picture and got an invite to this meeting until the Chief Nursing Director had told me about the letter my mother had wrote to the hospital. I, of course, had never seen or read this letter so this would be my first time hearing it.

When the girls and I got to the hospital, I took Tori and Mya for support since Andy had to work, Jennifer and her daughter were waiting for us in the lobby. I loved that I got to meet her daughter and Mya seemed to really like her too. It was more comfortable than I thought, especially since this lady had seen me at my worst but I know that is what makes her so great, she has that kind of comfortable disposition. She really made Zooey's birth day so easy, she pushed me along when I probably would have just froze up.

 I think I should explain what she had done for me that day, in short. Jennifer was the nurse who was working the floor when we got our room. She was there for when Zooey was at her best and at her worst. She helped us try to get her to take a breath and was also there when they called Zooey's death. From there she became my strength to do a few very important things that I would have never thought about. We had a little" beauty shop time" with Zooey. We got Zooey cleaned up, brushed her hair, and put on a pretty outfit. She also reminded me that I may want to keep everything that we had used. I still sometimes take out the hair brush so I can smell Zooey's hair. Jennifer was there for a lot of the day and even came to check on me before she made her long drive home. She took the best care of me, which had to be hard seeing that Andy and I were suffering the worst thing to happen to a parent.

  So, today, when I had to get in front of all those people I told this story. Sort of. As I said in the beginning, I am awful when it comes to speaking to the public. I really don't know if it went well, I just spoke from my heart and tried to fight the tears as they were sneaking out. Listening to my mother's wonderful letter didn't help me from NOT crying :) There I was in front of the hospital's board of directors, just babbling away with the tears flowing. Even though my mother's letter and my testimony made some of them cry, I still don't know if any of it made any sense. Plus, I left things out. Urgh!!!!!! I sit here thinking of all the things I should have said but I am guessing it doesn't really matter. Tori was so sweet and told me I did a good job. I DID get to thank Jennifer and that is all that matters. I got to show her a few of the pictures that were being taken as she took care of me. She was able to see how pretty Zooey looked in them. I got to tell her how important she was that day and that what she does for a living really does matter........she changed a horrible day into beautiful moments.

Here I am

Here I am. I have been a little busy with Mya's birthday and my 40th birthday and just the everyday life we live, but I am here. It has been rough some days, the urge to want to pull someone's head off tends to be the mood I have been in. With that in mind, I am also trying to find ways to calm myself and enjoy everything I have got.
Don't get me wrong, there has been some cool days too. I did receive news that the hospital that Zooey was born at is honoring the nurse who helped me with Zooey that first day. I know it couldn't have been easy to watch us go from happy to suffering such a big loss but my nurse was awesome and made the day so much easier. We have been invited to be there the night she is honored, I hope we can do it.

 Plus, I did get to celebrate my 40th with my family and a few girlfriends. We also broke Andy into the Velcro Pygmies club :) That was a great night and Andy really enjoyed himself. Mya's birthday party turned out great also, we didn't have big sissy with us because she was in FL but everyone else got to come. It was a beautiful day of blowing ten foot bubbles and letting the kids try to pop them.

 Today, things have been just seem to be going through my head and one thing that sticks out is how lucky we are. God has been good to us. I look at my girls and I see him. I look at Andy and I see him. I am lucky my life has gone the way it has, because God does not choose what our life will be like, he just helps us when we make the choices we do, I have not always been the best person and I know I have paid the price somehow, at some time. I deal with it and know that I have learned from it.

 This got me to thinking about how to make our life even better. There are things that I would like to do and have and it really isn't much. I just need to try better in achieving it. I would like a house, one that doesn't have to be show room beautiful, one that I can make ours. It should have a big kitchen so I can cook, I don't need it to be fancy. Heck I don't care if the girls want to paint the cabinets different colors, I just want it big and to be ours. I want a garden so I can TRY ( Andy can tell you how well this will go lol) to grow our own veggies. I want to learn to cook healthier for all of us, and I need the time that goes with that!! One day maybe buy some canvas and paint and have the girls and I paint all day. I am not a big painter but who cares, it is something I should do. Plus, we could hang our paintings in the house for us, no one else, just for us. I have always danced and sang in the car,even at the red lights lol. I really don't care what people may think of me, and I want to pass that along to my girls. I don't want them to be afraid of being a little crazy sometimes, it is so good to be able to laugh at ourselves and be silly.

 So much of our life we waste on how much we can not do something or trying to fit in.  I have decided I have to quite thinking this way. So what that  I can't paint worth a flip, or I kill a few veggie plants before I get it right. The point is this is the one life we have and we should make the best with what we have. Zooey will never be there physically to paint with me or cook with me but she sure will be there in spirit. I think this is why I have been so cranky, I know I should be living a life for her and I need to start doing it now.

 This blog has been so random but it is what has been on my mind, I just go with it and type away, kinda how my days are.  I must go now but I will be back again and hopefully with some more changes and a better attitude :)