Happy Birthday to my lovely angel in heaven

 Today is a very hard day for me. It pulls me in two different directions, kind of like the cartoons  where I have a good angel on one shoulder and a bad one on the other.
 All the details of the day are still fresh in my mind and I can play out the motions in my head as every hour passes. A year ago at this time she still wasn't here yet. I still had hope that maybe they were completely wrong about her condition, an hour later I had a different hope that she would just stay with us long enough to soak her all in. I wish I could have that time back now, more than anything!
  But, then the good angel comes in and tells me how important it is to remember how good she has it now. She is WHOLE and HEALTHY where she is now. Zooey came into our lives for a reason and has changed our lives in so many ways. I understand what it means to live each day, to smell all smells (good and bad), see each color, and hear each sound to it's full capacity. What I went through, what I still go through, is changing me. Some people don't like change but there is no way to lose a child and not have it change you. I think it changes me for the good, and it is still in the works and won't be done for a while. I picture myself like a piece of blown glass being formed, slow but beautiful process. 
 I know there is a plan and he isn't finished with me yet.

I have cried for the last few days, so much that I didn't bother wearing makeup yesterday, sorry to anyone I may have scared  HA! I have tried to find some peace. I have prayed by myself and I will be taking some time out for myself to light a candle, say the rosary, and soak in some quiet time with just me and Zooey. I have found peace in listening to music too, some brings tears but some eases my nerves. The funny part is the music that calms my nerves would probably shock others. I will just give you a list....Garden from Pearl Jam, Creep from Radiohead, Breed from Nirvana, RED from Chevelle, and then some Sara B, Jack Johnson and Billy Joel thrown in there. Yes I think that sums it up....believe me, it helps! Like I have said, everyone is different and I just grieve and recover different than most but anyone that knows me knows I am a little different anyway.

 I also want to say that I have woke up to many thoughts and well wishes for me and Andy, so many people who Zooey's story has touched and so many people for me to love and thank. It is special for not just us but the rest of the family and my friends, and that makes it so much better. I also found out some news that some might  think would make me sad, but it doesn't. I have two friends who have baby news today!! One friend had her baby at 3am today and the other friend is waiting for her best friend to have her first baby today!! I find it fantastic!!! I also take it as a wonderful sign from GOD, that in all darkness, THERE IS LIGHT!! Two beautiful babies to share birthdays with my angel is very happy news for me. It is a little sad but I really couldn't be happier to know that there is a chance for happiness for others. Who knows what the future holds for us.......maybe another healthy one for us one day :D

 
Later on today, we will be letting go of four helium filled balloons with a message for Zooey on them. We will also be having some kind of cake or cupcake for her. I know it will have to be chocolate, whatever it is, she wouldn't want anything else but chocolate!!!!  I ask that if anyone wants to do something, for her or us today, to do something nice for a stranger today. A kind act in the name of Zooey would be a really great way to celebrate her. 

 

 Happy Birthday, Zooey Noel!! Your family loves you and  

misses you very much!!! You are in our hearts and minds everyday!!!

2013 will forever be THE YEAR WE WILL NEVER FORGET

  First off. I hope everyone had a great and magical Christmas and a safe New Year's Eve. Our little family had a pretty easy going holidays. I was an emotional mess for some of it but that is to be expected.
With that being said now I will wish a Happy New Year's day and here is to a great new year for us all!!

          The year 2013 has brought on a lot of things for us as a family.
We have realized how close we really are and how we a strong, no matter what obstacles we come across.  We have experienced a lot of downs and a few fantastic ups in 2013.
 

        Zooey was our first true test of our faith and strength. I will never know what life will be like not having that constant nagging feeling of losing a child.  My life changed, something that many people will always have a problem understanding. Some would say that if I didn't go through the whole pregnancy then I wouldn't have had to go through all that pain, or question, "This isn't going to change you, is it?" Those people are no longer in my life. But with the bad there is good too. I made a lot of wonderful new friends. People who have a strong belief of faith and have special caring for others, and hopefully I can learn from that and continue growing myself. Zooey's life brought a lot of changes to us but I think they were great changes. Andy and I are stronger than ever and the girls feel that. Zooey was meant to be our little guardian angel and she was also meant to be the seal on our family cohesion. She lives in us. I am planning her birthday party and will need her strength to get me through it all. I would love for a lot of people to be there to help us celebrate her first birthday.

  

This year, 2014, I will do better with my friendships. I will find time to spend with some of the girl friends I still have. Friendships do change, it is a part of life, I am coming to realize this truth. It has been hard but I am learning not to take it too personally. I will always have friends to surround myself with, I just need to take advantage of that. Spending time to listen to them as they have listened to me and to make new memories to laugh at.       

 Andy and I aged to 40 this year, we look at it as a good/bad event. I was given a surprise birthday party by my sister in law, that made my day really special. Andy doesn't like surprises and doesn't really thing that a birthday warrants a party, ( he feels about the same for any holiday too lol ) so, his mom made him a birthday dinner and we celebrated with family. 

After it was said and done for both of us, I started to worry about our future.  We got married in December, something that was along time coming, so he is stuck with me. I just want to make sure we have many more years to be stuck together :)

 For 2014, I have decided that we have to really start taking better care of ourselves. This doesn't mean I am making a resolution to lose weight but to change our lifestyle. I do need to lose weight, but I know that if I focus more on the stuff we put in our bodies and the amount of time we spend on our butts, this will become just one of the payoffs. These few turn a rounds will also help us in our everyday attitude toward work and will keep us from being stressed out. We always have goals at work that we work to accomplish and if we start to feel better physically than I know the mentally will follow.

I am also going to work toward some new goals as far as work is concerned.  Work is always a challenge that I think many people forget to improve on. It's work, no one wants to have to do it but we should be grateful that we have our jobs. We should also make it a challenge to "like" what we do. Remember, others have to work with you so why not make it better for everyone by trying to better yourself. I just know I will be praying for this particular part of my life.
 I will also be asking for prayers to get us in a home this year. It is hard to get financed for a home and I think this year it will get even harder. If we can get in a home than I know I will feel like anything else I set for myself will be possible.

My last goal for myself is to find more time to listen to my girls. I know that I do a decent job but I know that it will get harder the older they get, why not get a head start. Victoria has dealt with a lot of changes this year such as bullying, losing a sister, girls acting older than they are, her first crush on a guy, getting into the gifted program, and becoming a little woman. She still has so many more things to look forward to this year and I know it will be a hard one. She is a tough little chick and I know if I am there for her she will make it. I think more families should do this for their children, they are the future and we hold the key to making it a better world.

 
So, here we are. The start of a new year, or a blank page if you look at it like I do.

What am I going to do to fill those pages? 2013 held so much for us that I could write a book about it, 2014 has a lot to live up to.

1. Better physical lifestyle
2. To better my work place
3. Listen to my children more
4. Enjoy my friends company more often
5. TO MOVE INTO A HOME
6. Find more time for life in general :)

 Good luck to you all with your blank pages............