Today is a very hard day for me. It pulls me in two different directions, kind of like the cartoons where I have a good angel on one shoulder and a bad one on the other.
All the details of the day are still fresh in my mind and I can play out the motions in my head as every hour passes. A year ago at this time she still wasn't here yet. I still had hope that maybe they were completely wrong about her condition, an hour later I had a different hope that she would just stay with us long enough to soak her all in. I wish I could have that time back now, more than anything!
But, then the good angel comes in and tells me how important it is to remember how good she has it now. She is WHOLE and HEALTHY where she is now. Zooey came into our lives for a reason and has changed our lives in so many ways. I understand what it means to live each day, to smell all smells (good and bad), see each color, and hear each sound to it's full capacity. What I went through, what I still go through, is changing me. Some people don't like change but there is no way to lose a child and not have it change you. I think it changes me for the good, and it is still in the works and won't be done for a while. I picture myself like a piece of blown glass being formed, slow but beautiful process.
I know there is a plan and he isn't finished with me yet.
I have cried for the last few days, so much that I didn't bother wearing makeup yesterday, sorry to anyone I may have scared HA! I have tried to find some peace. I have prayed by myself and I will be taking some time out for myself to light a candle, say the rosary, and soak in some quiet time with just me and Zooey. I have found peace in listening to music too, some brings tears but some eases my nerves. The funny part is the music that calms my nerves would probably shock others. I will just give you a list....Garden from Pearl Jam, Creep from Radiohead, Breed from Nirvana, RED from Chevelle, and then some Sara B, Jack Johnson and Billy Joel thrown in there. Yes I think that sums it up....believe me, it helps! Like I have said, everyone is different and I just grieve and recover different than most but anyone that knows me knows I am a little different anyway.
I also want to say that I have woke up to many thoughts and well wishes for me and Andy, so many people who Zooey's story has touched and so many people for me to love and thank. It is special for not just us but the rest of the family and my friends, and that makes it so much better. I also found out some news that some might think would make me sad, but it doesn't. I have two friends who have baby news today!! One friend had her baby at 3am today and the other friend is waiting for her best friend to have her first baby today!! I find it fantastic!!! I also take it as a wonderful sign from GOD, that in all darkness, THERE IS LIGHT!! Two beautiful babies to share birthdays with my angel is very happy news for me. It is a little sad but I really couldn't be happier to know that there is a chance for happiness for others. Who knows what the future holds for us.......maybe another healthy one for us one day :D
Later on today, we will be letting go of four helium filled balloons with a message for Zooey on them. We will also be having some kind of cake or cupcake for her. I know it will have to be chocolate, whatever it is, she wouldn't want anything else but chocolate!!!! I ask that if anyone wants to do something, for her or us today, to do something nice for a stranger today. A kind act in the name of Zooey would be a really great way to celebrate her.
Happy Birthday, Zooey Noel!! Your family loves you and 
misses you very much!!! You are in our hearts and minds everyday!!!
