Second thing is I can not please everyone and I will just have to piss people off even when it is not my real intent. If they can't handle what I have to do, what I must say, or that I can't bend to fit their needs, then it isn't my problem. I like to be able to say that most people get along with me but it isn't true and I know it. There will always be someone who must talk about me or dislike me. That is just life and it doesn't make me a bad person, it just means I am being myself and they are just being who they are.
Third thing I learned from this is that I like to write. I had very old friend, Erika Blackmon, who posted not too long ago about this. We both grew up HATING to write. She now loves to write and she is very good at it. I loved to read but I hated to try and put a story or feeling on a page. Strange that I find out now ,as I get older, that it does make me feel. I don't think I am fantastic at it because usually I feel like I am all over place. I try to get down everything that I am thinking at that moment and, believe me, there is a lot in there! My mom just told me, after my melt down, that it seemed to relax me when I write. It does.
When I was younger I loved to take pictures. I took them all the time of my friends and when Tori was little I would take a ton of pictures of her. It's a little harder for her to stand still long enough now for me to get a good one of her. I now have Mya as my muse and I still love to catch a good shot. But, sometimes I see things and wish I could capture that moment forever but I don't have a camera or I do and it doesn't come out just like I saw it. It is still there but just in my mind.
I can still keep those images, I write them down how I see them. Just like the image of Zooey when she she grabbed my finger. It was just a second in time, like it stopped for everybody but her and I. It took me just that second for my mind to realize what was happening and that my brain said "Don't take this for granted, remember it all, just like it is now." I have those moments a lot. When I was 21 and lived in North Chattanooga, I was going to work, and I saw a little girl standing on her porch. Her house was on a hill and if you stood there I bet you could see all of downtown. She had to be about Mya's age and only had a towel on. Something about the way she stood there, looking out at it all, struck me. I remember I wished, again, I had had a camera. It was such a pretty sight to me, and as you can tell, it stayed with me. I remember it just like it was yesterday. I see things like this and I write it down. I see Andy sleeping and in my mind I see it in black and white, just a peaceful picture of a beautiful guy sleeping , stuck in my mind like a real photograph.
I have decided to use this to my advantage. I will use it to continue writing on those bad days. So, if you see me carrying around an old note pad, you will know I am having a bad day. Don't feel bad, because it has to be this way for a little while. I will conquer it. Just like one of my favorite songs says,
"And I'll breathe again...
Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be a warrior please
Make me a Hercules"
