We had our pictures done this week and hope to see all of them very soon. I have my first real picture of my Zooey belly and love it. I am grateful to Casey for taking them, it really means a lot to me. All the nice things that people have or are doing for me is not going unnoticed. I just hope I can repay the kindness one day.
It has put me in a weird place lately, thinking about people who know me, aren't necessarily very close to me but we have kept in touch through social networking, have been so nice. I have gotten kind words, or just a note to check on how I am getting through all of this. It has also made me realize how some people disappear from your life that you use to be so close to. Maybe it's because they can't handle my situation or maybe I haven't been there enough for them, but people have disappointed me. Ones who I thought would always be there, that have not once called or wrote to check on how I am doing. Is it because our lives are so busy now? No, I don't think that because I know people who have just as busy lives who have written me and even sent me books to help me through this. Is it just me? Maybe I am a bad friend who asks for too much or wasn't thankful enough when they were there for me in the past. Oh who knows, but either way it hasn't helped my mood too much. I am the one who usually reaches out to try and see everyone and I have decided that if they don't respond then I need to not let it bother me. I am already depressed enough so I have to remember that I am not really alone.
I do have friends who have not let me down, ones who have promised to be there when I really need them and again the people who have been there for me that don't really even know me that well. I think that is why I tell them that they have no idea how much it means to me. Just even an opportunity to laugh or talk about regular life has been great. That's really all I need, a laugh or maybe someone else s' problems to focus on. And I might add that some of friends have done what they can for me, and I know they can't always be there. I don't want to sound to selfish to them, I do know what it is like to have too much on your plate.
As for the going off part that I just went through above, I needed to vent that out. I have lately wanted to take the girls to see some Christmas lights and thought I would invite my friends. Some reponded and some haven't even acknowledged me for weeks now. It is hard to deal with in the state I am in but then I think of the ones that did respond and I am not so unlucky. My mom, who has had breast cancer twice, told me that she even experienced the same thing when she was sick. So why do people do that? Maybe it is because they aren't strong enough to deal with it.
I consider myself a very strong person, I became a strong person. I know that this is getting the best of me at times so I have to realize that if I am having a hard time dealing with it, I can't expect someone who is not as strong as me to be able to deal with it. I also think it has to do with people's faith. I don't care who you pray to, it could be Budda, Mother Earth, or God, if you have the belief that there is a higher power then it makes you stronger too. My mother also thought me never to judge people by their race, color or religion, if you can't tell :)
I am sorry for the depressing and angry rant but again that is why I started this, to voice myself through this journey with Zooey. It can't always be pretty and it helps me not take it out on my loving household. I do have so good things coming, it's Christmas time and I am taking the girls to see lights and baking stuff! Also have a nice get together with school friends and my mom will be here soon, while I am on my ten day vacation!! I do have things to look forward to, I just have to keep reminding myself of this. I also have to try and enjoy the time for Zooey's sake, if it is to be the only time I have with her then I need to enjoy it for both of us.
So if you see me looking a little down just kick me in the butt and remind me of all the good things I have going for me, since I tend to forget and let the few bad things get to me :)
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