My evening with Erlanger's 2013 Nurse of Excellence

 Oh, where to begin! I write because it helps me get things off my chest and is like therapy. I am not great at it but it is really not suppose to be. Well with that being said, I write better than I speak, so you can only imagine what that is like. I do not do well when I have to speak to a crowd of people, especially a crowd that I don't know and happen to be the board of directors at a hospital!! I had the pleasure of doing this today. It was the monthly board members meeting with all of the board of directors plus some.

 I was excited that I got to meet with my nurse, Jennifer, that I had the day that Zooey came into and exited this world. We have not seen each other since that day and I really was glad that I was going to be able to tell her how much she meant to me. Jennifer has won the 2013 Nurse of Excellence Award for Erlanger. I wasn't sure how I fit into the picture and got an invite to this meeting until the Chief Nursing Director had told me about the letter my mother had wrote to the hospital. I, of course, had never seen or read this letter so this would be my first time hearing it.

When the girls and I got to the hospital, I took Tori and Mya for support since Andy had to work, Jennifer and her daughter were waiting for us in the lobby. I loved that I got to meet her daughter and Mya seemed to really like her too. It was more comfortable than I thought, especially since this lady had seen me at my worst but I know that is what makes her so great, she has that kind of comfortable disposition. She really made Zooey's birth day so easy, she pushed me along when I probably would have just froze up.

 I think I should explain what she had done for me that day, in short. Jennifer was the nurse who was working the floor when we got our room. She was there for when Zooey was at her best and at her worst. She helped us try to get her to take a breath and was also there when they called Zooey's death. From there she became my strength to do a few very important things that I would have never thought about. We had a little" beauty shop time" with Zooey. We got Zooey cleaned up, brushed her hair, and put on a pretty outfit. She also reminded me that I may want to keep everything that we had used. I still sometimes take out the hair brush so I can smell Zooey's hair. Jennifer was there for a lot of the day and even came to check on me before she made her long drive home. She took the best care of me, which had to be hard seeing that Andy and I were suffering the worst thing to happen to a parent.

  So, today, when I had to get in front of all those people I told this story. Sort of. As I said in the beginning, I am awful when it comes to speaking to the public. I really don't know if it went well, I just spoke from my heart and tried to fight the tears as they were sneaking out. Listening to my mother's wonderful letter didn't help me from NOT crying :) There I was in front of the hospital's board of directors, just babbling away with the tears flowing. Even though my mother's letter and my testimony made some of them cry, I still don't know if any of it made any sense. Plus, I left things out. Urgh!!!!!! I sit here thinking of all the things I should have said but I am guessing it doesn't really matter. Tori was so sweet and told me I did a good job. I DID get to thank Jennifer and that is all that matters. I got to show her a few of the pictures that were being taken as she took care of me. She was able to see how pretty Zooey looked in them. I got to tell her how important she was that day and that what she does for a living really does matter........she changed a horrible day into beautiful moments.

Here I am

Here I am. I have been a little busy with Mya's birthday and my 40th birthday and just the everyday life we live, but I am here. It has been rough some days, the urge to want to pull someone's head off tends to be the mood I have been in. With that in mind, I am also trying to find ways to calm myself and enjoy everything I have got.
Don't get me wrong, there has been some cool days too. I did receive news that the hospital that Zooey was born at is honoring the nurse who helped me with Zooey that first day. I know it couldn't have been easy to watch us go from happy to suffering such a big loss but my nurse was awesome and made the day so much easier. We have been invited to be there the night she is honored, I hope we can do it.

 Plus, I did get to celebrate my 40th with my family and a few girlfriends. We also broke Andy into the Velcro Pygmies club :) That was a great night and Andy really enjoyed himself. Mya's birthday party turned out great also, we didn't have big sissy with us because she was in FL but everyone else got to come. It was a beautiful day of blowing ten foot bubbles and letting the kids try to pop them.

 Today, things have been just seem to be going through my head and one thing that sticks out is how lucky we are. God has been good to us. I look at my girls and I see him. I look at Andy and I see him. I am lucky my life has gone the way it has, because God does not choose what our life will be like, he just helps us when we make the choices we do, I have not always been the best person and I know I have paid the price somehow, at some time. I deal with it and know that I have learned from it.

 This got me to thinking about how to make our life even better. There are things that I would like to do and have and it really isn't much. I just need to try better in achieving it. I would like a house, one that doesn't have to be show room beautiful, one that I can make ours. It should have a big kitchen so I can cook, I don't need it to be fancy. Heck I don't care if the girls want to paint the cabinets different colors, I just want it big and to be ours. I want a garden so I can TRY ( Andy can tell you how well this will go lol) to grow our own veggies. I want to learn to cook healthier for all of us, and I need the time that goes with that!! One day maybe buy some canvas and paint and have the girls and I paint all day. I am not a big painter but who cares, it is something I should do. Plus, we could hang our paintings in the house for us, no one else, just for us. I have always danced and sang in the car,even at the red lights lol. I really don't care what people may think of me, and I want to pass that along to my girls. I don't want them to be afraid of being a little crazy sometimes, it is so good to be able to laugh at ourselves and be silly.

 So much of our life we waste on how much we can not do something or trying to fit in.  I have decided I have to quite thinking this way. So what that  I can't paint worth a flip, or I kill a few veggie plants before I get it right. The point is this is the one life we have and we should make the best with what we have. Zooey will never be there physically to paint with me or cook with me but she sure will be there in spirit. I think this is why I have been so cranky, I know I should be living a life for her and I need to start doing it now.

 This blog has been so random but it is what has been on my mind, I just go with it and type away, kinda how my days are.  I must go now but I will be back again and hopefully with some more changes and a better attitude :)

My Mother :)

I have decided that I needed to write about my mother today. I know it's mother's day but it's not the only reason I have decided this, she has been on my mind a lot lately because of things going on in my life right now. This maybe short but it will help me explain how much I admire and love my mother.

 My mother is a very amazing person. My dad and mom separated and divorced when my brother and I were very young. This of course was hard on both my parents but my mom had us to take care of so she picked up and made the decision to raise us alone. Her family has always lived out west so it was just us three. My grandfather did come to live with us for a little while, which I didn't realize how special this was until later in my life. I didn't realize a lot of things until I got older. My mom worked a lot of hours, cleaned our apartment, paid all the bills, stressed over where I or my brother was, all by herself. She was very stern about what I did, when I did it, and who I did it with. I now understand why. I think that with all the tiring times that she went through, she raised two great kids.
She gave us strength to be who we are and helped us see the world in a better light. She taught us to respect others without any discrimination.
 My mom showed us the beauty of the world by taking us places and always having fun. I have lots of memories of our trips together, and I know it wasn't always anything fancy but they were the BEST times. We went to Lake Winnie, to POPS in the park, Lookout games, Riverbend, Washington and California, drove cross country to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday and so much more. We saw lots of movies in the theaters, which became one of my favorite things to do and which eventually brought Andy and I together in a way.  My mother helped buy my first car and taught me responsibility by making me get a job and learn how to pay my bills. All this she did alone, yes my dad did pay child support, but my mom always made sure we had things that we really wanted.  Thanksgiving and Christmas time at her house is some of the most warming memories I have. She always cooked a big meal, even though there were only three of us. Our presents were the best because she knew what we wanted and even though she couldn't always afford much, there was always a ton to open. Even all the midnight masses she drug us to have left a heartwarming memory of beauty and song. She was always there for when Nick had games or I had music programs. She didn't miss anything.

 This is all when we were young and we eventually grew up to where we could take care of ourselves. She moved back out west and we have gone to visit beautiful San Francisco a few times. My mother has faced and survived Breast Cancer twice and several surgeries by herself. She has had help from her brother and sisters and friends but sometimes I feel really bad that I couldn't be there for her though all of it.

 My mother has been here for everything I have ever needed. Even if it was just a phone call or a card from miles away, she has always made me feel better. It really hit home when she came in to help me with Zooey. That's when I realized how much I really miss having her here and how much she has done for me to make me this strong person I can be. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be the mother I am today.I would not have had the strength or the morals that I do now. I hope that I can pass this along to my girls so they can survive in this world of no morals and hate.

 I love my mother more than she knows and I hope that I can repay her for it all one day. I have never really told her all this, one because I write better than I talk but also because I can't say it all without crying.
So, MOM, now you know that what you taught me really did matter and I am grateful for all you have ever done for me........even if I didn't know it at the time.

          I LOVE YOU, MOM, and I wish we could be together today. I hope you enjoy your day and we will see each other soon!! Oh and your gift will be mailed tomorrow (something I didn't get from my mother is promptness lol)

Happy Mother's Day and my insanity

 Hello everyone! I hope you all have had a great month of April. Mine has been full of ups and downs and lots of realizations. It is hard to believe it's been three months since Zooey came and then gained her wings. It's been a hard month for me in a way. I have learned lots of things about myself.
 One thing is that I really am not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I have had several days where I just wanted to crawl in a hole and cry. The bad thing is that I am usually at work when it hits me. I believe some of it is lack of sleep and the way it feels like the day just doesn't have enough time in it to get anything done. I stay stressed more and can't seem to feel settled. I have a nervous energy about myself that won't go away. It's that feeling that I have mentioned before, that part of me that is looking for that part that is missing, Zooey. You know the feeling like you have forgot something but can't remember what it is, that is the way I feel. Never settled. I have also learned that even the smallest things can make me think of her. I even broke down in the Lowe's health van because a song that I hadn't heard in years.

 I know it sounds like I am loosing it but I do have good days. The girls can always make me realize that I have to keep pushing through it all. Tori can be a little motor mouth and Mya is getting fussier the closer to two she gets but I love them for just being there to get on my nerves. That reminds me, this month my Mya turns two!! How fast it is all going, and so much has happened since her last birthday!! 

  It's also Mother's Day this Sunday, I will hope that I don't break down that day. It will be hard but it will also be great to be off of work and with the family. I just wish my mom could be here with us, maybe next year! 

 I am also going to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. I hope you get to feel special. Funny! I just thought about last year, I have been engaged for a whole year now. Wow, time really has flown by. Slow down time, just a little please!!

 I will keep pushing through this fog I call my mind and hope that it gets better as this year goes on. I have so much to do so I can't slow down too much. Since I turn 40 this month, I have to get a new license, try to get my birthday party, continue to try and workout three days a week(to loose this weight) and get our wedding/honeymoon plans set in stone. Oh, and Mya's birthday party together!  I hope I can do it all, makes me tired thinking about it lol.

Since I will be so busy I will wait another month to post again. I am aiming for a much better month and I also hope to have lots of pictures of the birthdays to share with everyone. Happy Mother's Day, again, and remember to hug your babies everyday :)

  March had been a busy month!! First my nephew's first birthday, then my brother's birthday, and then my oldest girl's birthday, then my dad's birthday, and last but certainly not last, EASTER!! We ate out almost every weekend with my family and even got to paint some pottery together at my Tori's party. It is so nice to have such wonderful people for my family. My side, Andy's side, and even my brother's wife's side of the family are what it is all about. I enjoyed all of the month, with a few down moments in there. I do think about how much I am missing out on, not having Zooey here. I think about all the pictures I will not have of her.                  But then I see  how lucky I am to have what I do. This was

Mya's second Easter, we didn't
get to hunt eggs because of the rain, but she had a great time chasing them around the house when I threw them all out on the carpet!!

Tori looked so pretty in her Easter dress, it is hard to take in how fast she is growing. At her birthday party I couldn't help but stare at her, and think back to all the birthday parties we have had already!

Andy, of course, is his normal silly self! He truly was made for me, he keeps me sane. I have been on leave up until this week and we got to spend a lot of time together. It was really nice to be home whenever he was off, I don't know if he liked it as much but I sure did lol!
I have enjoyed all of the time I had. In a way I wish I didn't have to go back to the normal grind
but I know it is good for me. I went back to work April 3 and have been so glad to see my work family. It is a little different but so am I. I mean I am still the crazy, smart mouthed, happy Valerie but there is something deep down that will never be quite right. I miss that part of myself but I also needed what replaced that space in me.
I decided to catch up tonight because that deep down part of me is sad. I have a group of women who I keep up with, women with babies with Trisomy 13. Today two ladies who I have followed closely, because we were almost pregnant at the same time, lost their sweet babies. My heart bleeds for them just as much as it opens up my own wound. I pray that they can find comfort and peace, also that they know our babies are together with GOD. They all look down on us and silently mourn with us, keeping their hand on our hearts so that our hearts don't fall apart. I know it all gets better with time and the month of March proved that it will, it just has to take it's time.
Please keep my Trisomy ladies in your prayers.
With that all being said and a few tears begin shed , I do hope April turns out to be fantastic and that I have more fun stuff to share with you.....  :)

One month later........

So today it has been a whole month since we lost our Zooey. I am not sure how I feel, really. 

I have had a lot of good days since it all happened and then there has been a few bad days were I could cry all day. Those days are the days that my mind and body knows it should be holding and feeding a baby. I even have Mya to hold but it just isn't the same. I also sometimes think I feel my belly move but I know it is just a memory that I don't want to forget. Zooey is never too far away though, this I truly believe. I have had a lot of reasons to say this. It just seems that when we need it to go right, a miracle happens and everything falls into place. Maybe it's God's way of trying to ease the pain.

 I have had a lot of pain, not just in the heart but also my body. It really sucks getting old!! There has been a few issues since my surgery and I have had to go back to the doctor a few times, even had to have a CT scan. The pain of it all did get to me and I broke down again and ask why? Why do I have to have complications on top of losing my baby? As I was waiting for the CT scan, I was the worst pain ever, I just kept asking for some relief because I didn't think I could take anymore. I sat and thought about Zooey and it wasn't long that my pain went away. The pain was caused by clots that had gotten too big to pass, and just when I couldn't take anymore, they passed. All this brought me to realize that even though I have been through so much,  it can and will get better. I just have to have faith.

Having Zooey has changed my life. I mean, I am still the smart mouthed, bad humor loving, fun, and honest mother of now three beautiful girls, but having Zooey in my life has taught me to have faith. Real faith. I have been through a journey and a lot of people have been there through it all with me, even those people have helped me more than they will ever know. I am someone who has a story, a story that I like to share with others in hopes that it will help them in whatever they maybe going through too. I have tried to share it with other women who are also blessed with a baby like Zooey, just hoping it helps them know they aren't alone. There are a lot of strong mothers out there, I may not have the answers they are looking for, but I will always lend my ear and my heart for any comfort they may need. I say this knowing that some, even two of my friends I have known for years, have questioned why I am so public with it all. 

 It has been great help for me to have my blog, to share our Zooey with all who would listen. We still have, as a family, so much to look forward to this year. I want to share that too :) Even today, it should be so sad, but I am thinking of how to celebrate her. This is the best way I know how.

Friends and Family

It has been quite a week and a half.

So much comes to me, stuff I want to say, but I just can't get it out. I can say that I have the most amazing friends.  I have friends who have never left my side, even when we can't see or talk to each other everyday. I have had a few that disappeared though everything, till she got here, and they miraculously showed up. But then I have so many more great friends that I have made through this whole journey!!! Those people have become some of my true friends and I hope that they know how much I love them for it. I have also made some friends who have helped me out in ways that I hope I can repay. Those people haven't been here for everything but they helped in such a big way, one person stayed with Zooey through her transfer from the hospital, to the crematory, to the funeral home, and then finally back to us. Andy and I felt at peace knowing her body was being watched over. 

 I have so many people to thank, and it's funny how social networking has been such a big part in it. People from school, work and family who can't always be near, have reached out via email and Facebook. I really wished I could get back to everyone but it will take a while!!

 At Zooey's memorial I was so shocked and taken back by all the love for My Magic Little Family :) Zooey effected so many people and gave me hope that there is still hope and love out there for all of us. God gave me a precious little girl, who I miss everyday, and she showed us why sometimes things don't always go the way we want. I feel that she brought me closer to knowing who I am and what I want out of life.
 Zooey was a special baby. A baby who I got to keep with me for 35 weeks, 35 weeks of sharing chocolate, feeling her hiccups, feeling her kicks, rubbing my tummy, and watching my belly grow from week to week. She was so alive in my belly, I helped keep her alive. Now I have memories of her outside of my belly. She didn't move a whole lot but she didn't have to, I just enjoyed holding her. I have pictures of her beautiful face,a video of her cries, I have a memory of her grabbing my finger, a memory of her soft skin and VERY soft hair, a dress that still smells of her from the bath we gave her and I have her up above watching after all of us. I have days that I know she is with me, those are the good days, the days I feel like celebrating her.

 The one thing I really wish is that all of our family could have seen her and heard her. Our mothers and Andy's dad didn't get that and I hate it. I know how much love they have for their son and daughter and they have been there for us through it all. I could never thank them enough for all they do for us. Zooey will be watching over them too, to make it easier, just like she does me. 

 I now have three beautiful daughters, even though one is in heaven, I am blessed. For a woman who wasn't suppose to have kids, it has been quite an adventure so far. I will continue my blog and I will hope everyone keeps following us on our adventure.