I have had a lot of good days since it all happened and then there has been a few bad days were I could cry all day. Those days are the days that my mind and body knows it should be holding and feeding a baby. I even have Mya to hold but it just isn't the same. I also sometimes think I feel my belly move but I know it is just a memory that I don't want to forget. Zooey is never too far away though, this I truly believe. I have had a lot of reasons to say this. It just seems that when we need it to go right, a miracle happens and everything falls into place. Maybe it's God's way of trying to ease the pain.
I have had a lot of pain, not just in the heart but also my body. It really sucks getting old!! There has been a few issues since my surgery and I have had to go back to the doctor a few times, even had to have a CT scan. The pain of it all did get to me and I broke down again and ask why? Why do I have to have complications on top of losing my baby? As I was waiting for the CT scan, I was the worst pain ever, I just kept asking for some relief because I didn't think I could take anymore. I sat and thought about Zooey and it wasn't long that my pain went away. The pain was caused by clots that had gotten too big to pass, and just when I couldn't take anymore, they passed. All this brought me to realize that even though I have been through so much, it can and will get better. I just have to have faith.
Having Zooey has changed my life. I mean, I am still the smart mouthed, bad humor loving, fun, and honest mother of now three beautiful girls, but having Zooey in my life has taught me to have faith. Real faith. I have been through a journey and a lot of people have been there through it all with me, even those people have helped me more than they will ever know. I am someone who has a story, a story that I like to share with others in hopes that it will help them in whatever they maybe going through too. I have tried to share it with other women who are also blessed with a baby like Zooey, just hoping it helps them know they aren't alone. There are a lot of strong mothers out there, I may not have the answers they are looking for, but I will always lend my ear and my heart for any comfort they may need. I say this knowing that some, even two of my friends I have known for years, have questioned why I am so public with it all.
It has been great help for me to have my blog, to share our Zooey with all who would listen. We still have, as a family, so much to look forward to this year. I want to share that too :) Even today, it should be so sad, but I am thinking of how to celebrate her. This is the best way I know how.
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