Happy six months to my precious angel.......
I love you and know you watch over all of us. I miss you everyday but I know you are well and in a much better place. It never is easy to know that you were never meant to be here very long, I have days that I wish I could just hold you one more time.

 You are the prettiest angel I have ever seen and I feel so lucky to have had the privilege to be your mommy.

Carrying on

 Here it is, almost August. It seems like time really has flown by the last few months, so different from the last year. I still can't seem to wrap my mind around it all. February is an eternity away in my mind, but really it's only been about 6 months. Zooey would have been 6 months in a few weeks. Something which I wasn't even thinking about this time last year. I had just found out I was pregnant on the Fourth of July 2012 and was going into last August with a great feeling. I had planned on having my Materna 21 test on August 13th, because I wanted to cut out having to go to the specialist OBGYN. Never imagined what I would find out a few weeks later. And, all this was not even a year ago!! It's weird how my mind works all of this together.

  Here I am, carrying on and living each day the best I can. I find myself forgetting things, being overwhelmed by life and work, and feeling like I will never catch up. I get upset about it and blame old age but then I sit back and go "Hey, you just lost a baby six months ago, it will get better but you have to give it some time." Isn't it odd that I have to keep reminding myself to slow down and have patience with myself ? I miss Zooey everyday but I can't dwell on it because if I did I would be useless to my family. You would find me curled up in a corner, crying, or just laying in a daze not being able to move from all the pain that lays in my heart.
It's also hard to see people go on and forget what I have been through. But, again, I am trying to move on and not let it get in the way of my life I have now. So, why would I expect others to be a little more careful and cautious with me? I just have to keep asking all these questions so I can make it all make sense in my mind. People go on, but the mom never can get to far before the heart strings start to tug for a good cry.

 I also surround myself with my two beautiful girls and Andy. They are what REALLY holds me all together, with them I will never completely fall apart. Now more than ever, I wish I could spend everyday showing them how much I love them. I wish I had more time, and money lol, to do more with the girls. I want them to experience life and to be grateful for everyday we have here on this beautiful earth. It is a beautiful plant we live on, too bad we don't treat as such.
 I do turn to prayer on bad days and it helps to keep all the bad out. Grief still comes but that isn't the bad part, I need to grieve. It just helps calm me from all the other worries I have. I need to do more of it, I need to make more time for myself to find some peace in prayer. It also makes me feel close to my Zooey. She is always with me but when I pray I just feel she is close. It also chases away the stress that continues to plague my days!!

 I know this all is going to get a little easier and my days will stop feeling so short. It will take time, time that I hope people will give me. I ask for forgiveness that I don't remember it all anymore and I forget to do something.
I pray for better days to come and more time to spend with my family. We still need to venture out and do things we wouldn't normally do, it may take some bribing on Andy's part ...........like eat tomatoes or yoga :) There is just one thing I have to keep reminding myself.

It has only been 5 months, three weeks, and a few days since I lost Zooey and here I am still carrying on.

My evening with Erlanger's 2013 Nurse of Excellence

 Oh, where to begin! I write because it helps me get things off my chest and is like therapy. I am not great at it but it is really not suppose to be. Well with that being said, I write better than I speak, so you can only imagine what that is like. I do not do well when I have to speak to a crowd of people, especially a crowd that I don't know and happen to be the board of directors at a hospital!! I had the pleasure of doing this today. It was the monthly board members meeting with all of the board of directors plus some.

 I was excited that I got to meet with my nurse, Jennifer, that I had the day that Zooey came into and exited this world. We have not seen each other since that day and I really was glad that I was going to be able to tell her how much she meant to me. Jennifer has won the 2013 Nurse of Excellence Award for Erlanger. I wasn't sure how I fit into the picture and got an invite to this meeting until the Chief Nursing Director had told me about the letter my mother had wrote to the hospital. I, of course, had never seen or read this letter so this would be my first time hearing it.

When the girls and I got to the hospital, I took Tori and Mya for support since Andy had to work, Jennifer and her daughter were waiting for us in the lobby. I loved that I got to meet her daughter and Mya seemed to really like her too. It was more comfortable than I thought, especially since this lady had seen me at my worst but I know that is what makes her so great, she has that kind of comfortable disposition. She really made Zooey's birth day so easy, she pushed me along when I probably would have just froze up.

 I think I should explain what she had done for me that day, in short. Jennifer was the nurse who was working the floor when we got our room. She was there for when Zooey was at her best and at her worst. She helped us try to get her to take a breath and was also there when they called Zooey's death. From there she became my strength to do a few very important things that I would have never thought about. We had a little" beauty shop time" with Zooey. We got Zooey cleaned up, brushed her hair, and put on a pretty outfit. She also reminded me that I may want to keep everything that we had used. I still sometimes take out the hair brush so I can smell Zooey's hair. Jennifer was there for a lot of the day and even came to check on me before she made her long drive home. She took the best care of me, which had to be hard seeing that Andy and I were suffering the worst thing to happen to a parent.

  So, today, when I had to get in front of all those people I told this story. Sort of. As I said in the beginning, I am awful when it comes to speaking to the public. I really don't know if it went well, I just spoke from my heart and tried to fight the tears as they were sneaking out. Listening to my mother's wonderful letter didn't help me from NOT crying :) There I was in front of the hospital's board of directors, just babbling away with the tears flowing. Even though my mother's letter and my testimony made some of them cry, I still don't know if any of it made any sense. Plus, I left things out. Urgh!!!!!! I sit here thinking of all the things I should have said but I am guessing it doesn't really matter. Tori was so sweet and told me I did a good job. I DID get to thank Jennifer and that is all that matters. I got to show her a few of the pictures that were being taken as she took care of me. She was able to see how pretty Zooey looked in them. I got to tell her how important she was that day and that what she does for a living really does matter........she changed a horrible day into beautiful moments.

Here I am

Here I am. I have been a little busy with Mya's birthday and my 40th birthday and just the everyday life we live, but I am here. It has been rough some days, the urge to want to pull someone's head off tends to be the mood I have been in. With that in mind, I am also trying to find ways to calm myself and enjoy everything I have got.
Don't get me wrong, there has been some cool days too. I did receive news that the hospital that Zooey was born at is honoring the nurse who helped me with Zooey that first day. I know it couldn't have been easy to watch us go from happy to suffering such a big loss but my nurse was awesome and made the day so much easier. We have been invited to be there the night she is honored, I hope we can do it.

 Plus, I did get to celebrate my 40th with my family and a few girlfriends. We also broke Andy into the Velcro Pygmies club :) That was a great night and Andy really enjoyed himself. Mya's birthday party turned out great also, we didn't have big sissy with us because she was in FL but everyone else got to come. It was a beautiful day of blowing ten foot bubbles and letting the kids try to pop them.

 Today, things have been just seem to be going through my head and one thing that sticks out is how lucky we are. God has been good to us. I look at my girls and I see him. I look at Andy and I see him. I am lucky my life has gone the way it has, because God does not choose what our life will be like, he just helps us when we make the choices we do, I have not always been the best person and I know I have paid the price somehow, at some time. I deal with it and know that I have learned from it.

 This got me to thinking about how to make our life even better. There are things that I would like to do and have and it really isn't much. I just need to try better in achieving it. I would like a house, one that doesn't have to be show room beautiful, one that I can make ours. It should have a big kitchen so I can cook, I don't need it to be fancy. Heck I don't care if the girls want to paint the cabinets different colors, I just want it big and to be ours. I want a garden so I can TRY ( Andy can tell you how well this will go lol) to grow our own veggies. I want to learn to cook healthier for all of us, and I need the time that goes with that!! One day maybe buy some canvas and paint and have the girls and I paint all day. I am not a big painter but who cares, it is something I should do. Plus, we could hang our paintings in the house for us, no one else, just for us. I have always danced and sang in the car,even at the red lights lol. I really don't care what people may think of me, and I want to pass that along to my girls. I don't want them to be afraid of being a little crazy sometimes, it is so good to be able to laugh at ourselves and be silly.

 So much of our life we waste on how much we can not do something or trying to fit in.  I have decided I have to quite thinking this way. So what that  I can't paint worth a flip, or I kill a few veggie plants before I get it right. The point is this is the one life we have and we should make the best with what we have. Zooey will never be there physically to paint with me or cook with me but she sure will be there in spirit. I think this is why I have been so cranky, I know I should be living a life for her and I need to start doing it now.

 This blog has been so random but it is what has been on my mind, I just go with it and type away, kinda how my days are.  I must go now but I will be back again and hopefully with some more changes and a better attitude :)

My Mother :)

I have decided that I needed to write about my mother today. I know it's mother's day but it's not the only reason I have decided this, she has been on my mind a lot lately because of things going on in my life right now. This maybe short but it will help me explain how much I admire and love my mother.

 My mother is a very amazing person. My dad and mom separated and divorced when my brother and I were very young. This of course was hard on both my parents but my mom had us to take care of so she picked up and made the decision to raise us alone. Her family has always lived out west so it was just us three. My grandfather did come to live with us for a little while, which I didn't realize how special this was until later in my life. I didn't realize a lot of things until I got older. My mom worked a lot of hours, cleaned our apartment, paid all the bills, stressed over where I or my brother was, all by herself. She was very stern about what I did, when I did it, and who I did it with. I now understand why. I think that with all the tiring times that she went through, she raised two great kids.
She gave us strength to be who we are and helped us see the world in a better light. She taught us to respect others without any discrimination.
 My mom showed us the beauty of the world by taking us places and always having fun. I have lots of memories of our trips together, and I know it wasn't always anything fancy but they were the BEST times. We went to Lake Winnie, to POPS in the park, Lookout games, Riverbend, Washington and California, drove cross country to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday and so much more. We saw lots of movies in the theaters, which became one of my favorite things to do and which eventually brought Andy and I together in a way.  My mother helped buy my first car and taught me responsibility by making me get a job and learn how to pay my bills. All this she did alone, yes my dad did pay child support, but my mom always made sure we had things that we really wanted.  Thanksgiving and Christmas time at her house is some of the most warming memories I have. She always cooked a big meal, even though there were only three of us. Our presents were the best because she knew what we wanted and even though she couldn't always afford much, there was always a ton to open. Even all the midnight masses she drug us to have left a heartwarming memory of beauty and song. She was always there for when Nick had games or I had music programs. She didn't miss anything.

 This is all when we were young and we eventually grew up to where we could take care of ourselves. She moved back out west and we have gone to visit beautiful San Francisco a few times. My mother has faced and survived Breast Cancer twice and several surgeries by herself. She has had help from her brother and sisters and friends but sometimes I feel really bad that I couldn't be there for her though all of it.

 My mother has been here for everything I have ever needed. Even if it was just a phone call or a card from miles away, she has always made me feel better. It really hit home when she came in to help me with Zooey. That's when I realized how much I really miss having her here and how much she has done for me to make me this strong person I can be. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be the mother I am today.I would not have had the strength or the morals that I do now. I hope that I can pass this along to my girls so they can survive in this world of no morals and hate.

 I love my mother more than she knows and I hope that I can repay her for it all one day. I have never really told her all this, one because I write better than I talk but also because I can't say it all without crying.
So, MOM, now you know that what you taught me really did matter and I am grateful for all you have ever done for me........even if I didn't know it at the time.

          I LOVE YOU, MOM, and I wish we could be together today. I hope you enjoy your day and we will see each other soon!! Oh and your gift will be mailed tomorrow (something I didn't get from my mother is promptness lol)

Happy Mother's Day and my insanity

 Hello everyone! I hope you all have had a great month of April. Mine has been full of ups and downs and lots of realizations. It is hard to believe it's been three months since Zooey came and then gained her wings. It's been a hard month for me in a way. I have learned lots of things about myself.
 One thing is that I really am not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I have had several days where I just wanted to crawl in a hole and cry. The bad thing is that I am usually at work when it hits me. I believe some of it is lack of sleep and the way it feels like the day just doesn't have enough time in it to get anything done. I stay stressed more and can't seem to feel settled. I have a nervous energy about myself that won't go away. It's that feeling that I have mentioned before, that part of me that is looking for that part that is missing, Zooey. You know the feeling like you have forgot something but can't remember what it is, that is the way I feel. Never settled. I have also learned that even the smallest things can make me think of her. I even broke down in the Lowe's health van because a song that I hadn't heard in years.

 I know it sounds like I am loosing it but I do have good days. The girls can always make me realize that I have to keep pushing through it all. Tori can be a little motor mouth and Mya is getting fussier the closer to two she gets but I love them for just being there to get on my nerves. That reminds me, this month my Mya turns two!! How fast it is all going, and so much has happened since her last birthday!! 

  It's also Mother's Day this Sunday, I will hope that I don't break down that day. It will be hard but it will also be great to be off of work and with the family. I just wish my mom could be here with us, maybe next year! 

 I am also going to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. I hope you get to feel special. Funny! I just thought about last year, I have been engaged for a whole year now. Wow, time really has flown by. Slow down time, just a little please!!

 I will keep pushing through this fog I call my mind and hope that it gets better as this year goes on. I have so much to do so I can't slow down too much. Since I turn 40 this month, I have to get a new license, try to get my birthday party, continue to try and workout three days a week(to loose this weight) and get our wedding/honeymoon plans set in stone. Oh, and Mya's birthday party together!  I hope I can do it all, makes me tired thinking about it lol.

Since I will be so busy I will wait another month to post again. I am aiming for a much better month and I also hope to have lots of pictures of the birthdays to share with everyone. Happy Mother's Day, again, and remember to hug your babies everyday :)

  March had been a busy month!! First my nephew's first birthday, then my brother's birthday, and then my oldest girl's birthday, then my dad's birthday, and last but certainly not last, EASTER!! We ate out almost every weekend with my family and even got to paint some pottery together at my Tori's party. It is so nice to have such wonderful people for my family. My side, Andy's side, and even my brother's wife's side of the family are what it is all about. I enjoyed all of the month, with a few down moments in there. I do think about how much I am missing out on, not having Zooey here. I think about all the pictures I will not have of her.                  But then I see  how lucky I am to have what I do. This was

Mya's second Easter, we didn't
get to hunt eggs because of the rain, but she had a great time chasing them around the house when I threw them all out on the carpet!!

Tori looked so pretty in her Easter dress, it is hard to take in how fast she is growing. At her birthday party I couldn't help but stare at her, and think back to all the birthday parties we have had already!

Andy, of course, is his normal silly self! He truly was made for me, he keeps me sane. I have been on leave up until this week and we got to spend a lot of time together. It was really nice to be home whenever he was off, I don't know if he liked it as much but I sure did lol!
I have enjoyed all of the time I had. In a way I wish I didn't have to go back to the normal grind
but I know it is good for me. I went back to work April 3 and have been so glad to see my work family. It is a little different but so am I. I mean I am still the crazy, smart mouthed, happy Valerie but there is something deep down that will never be quite right. I miss that part of myself but I also needed what replaced that space in me.
I decided to catch up tonight because that deep down part of me is sad. I have a group of women who I keep up with, women with babies with Trisomy 13. Today two ladies who I have followed closely, because we were almost pregnant at the same time, lost their sweet babies. My heart bleeds for them just as much as it opens up my own wound. I pray that they can find comfort and peace, also that they know our babies are together with GOD. They all look down on us and silently mourn with us, keeping their hand on our hearts so that our hearts don't fall apart. I know it all gets better with time and the month of March proved that it will, it just has to take it's time.
Please keep my Trisomy ladies in your prayers.
With that all being said and a few tears begin shed , I do hope April turns out to be fantastic and that I have more fun stuff to share with you.....  :)