One month later........

So today it has been a whole month since we lost our Zooey. I am not sure how I feel, really. 

I have had a lot of good days since it all happened and then there has been a few bad days were I could cry all day. Those days are the days that my mind and body knows it should be holding and feeding a baby. I even have Mya to hold but it just isn't the same. I also sometimes think I feel my belly move but I know it is just a memory that I don't want to forget. Zooey is never too far away though, this I truly believe. I have had a lot of reasons to say this. It just seems that when we need it to go right, a miracle happens and everything falls into place. Maybe it's God's way of trying to ease the pain.

 I have had a lot of pain, not just in the heart but also my body. It really sucks getting old!! There has been a few issues since my surgery and I have had to go back to the doctor a few times, even had to have a CT scan. The pain of it all did get to me and I broke down again and ask why? Why do I have to have complications on top of losing my baby? As I was waiting for the CT scan, I was the worst pain ever, I just kept asking for some relief because I didn't think I could take anymore. I sat and thought about Zooey and it wasn't long that my pain went away. The pain was caused by clots that had gotten too big to pass, and just when I couldn't take anymore, they passed. All this brought me to realize that even though I have been through so much,  it can and will get better. I just have to have faith.

Having Zooey has changed my life. I mean, I am still the smart mouthed, bad humor loving, fun, and honest mother of now three beautiful girls, but having Zooey in my life has taught me to have faith. Real faith. I have been through a journey and a lot of people have been there through it all with me, even those people have helped me more than they will ever know. I am someone who has a story, a story that I like to share with others in hopes that it will help them in whatever they maybe going through too. I have tried to share it with other women who are also blessed with a baby like Zooey, just hoping it helps them know they aren't alone. There are a lot of strong mothers out there, I may not have the answers they are looking for, but I will always lend my ear and my heart for any comfort they may need. I say this knowing that some, even two of my friends I have known for years, have questioned why I am so public with it all. 

 It has been great help for me to have my blog, to share our Zooey with all who would listen. We still have, as a family, so much to look forward to this year. I want to share that too :) Even today, it should be so sad, but I am thinking of how to celebrate her. This is the best way I know how.

Friends and Family

It has been quite a week and a half.

So much comes to me, stuff I want to say, but I just can't get it out. I can say that I have the most amazing friends.  I have friends who have never left my side, even when we can't see or talk to each other everyday. I have had a few that disappeared though everything, till she got here, and they miraculously showed up. But then I have so many more great friends that I have made through this whole journey!!! Those people have become some of my true friends and I hope that they know how much I love them for it. I have also made some friends who have helped me out in ways that I hope I can repay. Those people haven't been here for everything but they helped in such a big way, one person stayed with Zooey through her transfer from the hospital, to the crematory, to the funeral home, and then finally back to us. Andy and I felt at peace knowing her body was being watched over. 

 I have so many people to thank, and it's funny how social networking has been such a big part in it. People from school, work and family who can't always be near, have reached out via email and Facebook. I really wished I could get back to everyone but it will take a while!!

 At Zooey's memorial I was so shocked and taken back by all the love for My Magic Little Family :) Zooey effected so many people and gave me hope that there is still hope and love out there for all of us. God gave me a precious little girl, who I miss everyday, and she showed us why sometimes things don't always go the way we want. I feel that she brought me closer to knowing who I am and what I want out of life.
 Zooey was a special baby. A baby who I got to keep with me for 35 weeks, 35 weeks of sharing chocolate, feeling her hiccups, feeling her kicks, rubbing my tummy, and watching my belly grow from week to week. She was so alive in my belly, I helped keep her alive. Now I have memories of her outside of my belly. She didn't move a whole lot but she didn't have to, I just enjoyed holding her. I have pictures of her beautiful face,a video of her cries, I have a memory of her grabbing my finger, a memory of her soft skin and VERY soft hair, a dress that still smells of her from the bath we gave her and I have her up above watching after all of us. I have days that I know she is with me, those are the good days, the days I feel like celebrating her.

 The one thing I really wish is that all of our family could have seen her and heard her. Our mothers and Andy's dad didn't get that and I hate it. I know how much love they have for their son and daughter and they have been there for us through it all. I could never thank them enough for all they do for us. Zooey will be watching over them too, to make it easier, just like she does me. 

 I now have three beautiful daughters, even though one is in heaven, I am blessed. For a woman who wasn't suppose to have kids, it has been quite an adventure so far. I will continue my blog and I will hope everyone keeps following us on our adventure.

Zooey Noel Mason Feb 6, 2013

On February 6, 2013 Zooey came and went on a day I did not expect.
I have so much I want to put down so that I never forget, one of my greatest fears. This maybe long and it may take me a few times to get it all down the way I want but in the end I will have everything I want to save down.

 It all started on Tuesday night, my blood pressure was not being kind to me so I had to go to the emergency room.When I got there I had to go up by myself because of some stupid guy who made a false call about a man and a gun. The hospital was on lock down! By the time they got me drugged up and into another room, my blood pressure had come down and I had a good feeling I would get to go home. Andy stayed with me as long as he could but he had to get back to Mya, so I was alone again.

 I thought I would get to go home that morning but someone had other plans. My nurse came in at 8am and told me that my doctor wanted to take her at 9am. Here I am with no one and all my plans where leaving me! I did talk them into pushing it back to 11:30. I was able to make my phone calls and get my family to the hospital. Something else was going on but I didn't think about it till a week later, I was feeling Zooey move around for the last time. They had put the monitor on me and I could hear her heart beat and she was moving like crazy, she knew something was going on.

We got to the important part, finally, and I was a nervous wreck the whole time. Poor Andy had to keep holding my hand, trying to get me to stop shaking, and the pressure of them getting her out seemed so much more intense than before.I think it was because I was so NOT ready for it to happen and I was just hoping she would make it through the surgery part. Well, after what felt like forever, she came to us. The NICU doctor took her and tried to get her to react and cry but he couldn't get her to do much. At that time, he handed her to Andy and told us that her heart rate wasn't great and that she had only minutes. Andy put her up to me as close as he could, she was so pretty and perfect. I didn't care how long she had, I was taking her all in. She wasn't very responsive, but did try to cry. I told Andy that right then I knew I had done the right thing and was glad we got to hold her, I had also wished our moms could have been there. All this had come at such a bad time for our moms, mine was still in CA and his was at home because his father had just had surgery the day before. Talk about bad timing!!

 The time we had with Zooey was great! For some reason, after the NICU doctor had left, Zooey was becoming very vocal. She still didn't move a lot but was very vocal about what she wanted. She just wanted to be held and not bothered with everything else. Andy got to watch her get weighed and measured  and a few of my family members came to see her. Tori finally got there and see her but she didn't want to hold her until later. I even tried some skin to skin time to see if she would react a little but nothing really changed. She seemed to just enjoy being held. The NICU doctor had come in at one point and checked her heart rate, he said it had come up and he couldn't explain it.

  She was a fighter, everyone says "just like her mother", but I think she was tougher than me. She gave me all my strength to get to where we were. One really neat thing that she did, she grabbed my finger. She grabbed it and held it tight for just a few minutes but it will be burned into my brain forever. We had finally got into the room and spent our last few hours with her there. Everyone got to hold her and show how much love they had for her. Her heart just couldn't handle anymore and her lungs just weren't strong enough. I held her for a long time after I knew she had passed, Andy and I just needed to let it all sink in.  She had done so well, just to give us a little time, a real fighter is what Zooey was. 

 I had a lot of things in those days at the hospital that came to me. I didn't want any chocolate, which I didn't think about until later. Zooey wasn't in my belly anymore to enjoy it with me, an idea that still makes me cry. On Valentine's Day I put a little chocolate by her urn, it just seemed right. I spent the time at the hospital trying to prepare for leaving her. I got to give her a bath and put on her outfit her Grandma had picked out, the nurse we had that day was so sweet and helpful through it all. She had her pictures made by a great lady named Darci from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I sat later and stroked her hair and cried. Her hair was amazing, so much like her dad's. Their hair is so soft to touch!! I couldn't help but think that we would wake the baby when we were too loud or when Andy would help give me a shower, that we left the baby by herself in the room. I think that is just the mother in me. It was hard to remember that she just wasn't with us, it was just her body. It was very hard on Andy too. I won't tell his part of the story, he can if he would like, but I feel that that is for him to tell when he is ready. I will just say that I am glad that he has been so open with me and I feel like Zooey brought us even closer, something I didn't think was possible just because we were so close even before all of this.  

When Friday came we knew it would be hard to leave. Andy and I spent some time holding her and taking a few last pictures with just us. I knew we just had to let her go. I did have a little relief in knowing who was coming to pick her up from the funeral home, something I will get into on my next blog. When we left I gave her one more kiss and down the hall we went. My heart just broke at that moment. I will never forget that feeling, it is what wakes me at night sometimes. It is how I felt when Andy and I first came home, it was how I felt when I woke up last Wednesday, when she should be celebrating a week old birth day. It is a pain that only a mother knows, the pain of something missing that should be there, it is a big hole that will never be filled. 

Six weeks and my thoughts

That's my two beautiful girls, Victoria and Mya, after Mya was born. I hope to have a nice picture like this when Zooey gets here. I absolutely love those girls, even when they drive me completely crazy. I would be lost without them. I went from being told that I would never have children to having a perfect family, something that changed me for the better. I think about what these two have done for me and can't imagine what I am going to learn from my experience with Zooey. Each child has brought another person out in me, I am a Gemini so I am aloud to have different personalities :). But really, I find something new about myself when I have a child, and each time it has softened me even more. I wish I could have done things different for Tori, but she is stuck with a bad decision that I made before she got here and I try to make up for it as much as possible. It can be hard being the only real parent she has.

 Mya has it so much better because she has two loving parents who aren't going anywhere, and maybe that is why we have been given Zooey. We are being tested to see how strong we really are and knowing that we have so  much love to give to her, I think she will be a great test.

 I was sitting at work the other day, eating lunch and playing my games, and it hit me. I have only 6 more weeks till they take her from me and the real journey begins. I feel like I have been pregnant forever but then again it feels like it is happening too fast. I should be enjoying a baby shower and all the excitement of the up coming event but it isn't there. I am excited to see and hold Zooey for the first time but worried about what happens after that, also will I even get to hold and see her right off. They may have to take her away right after he gets her out, an idea I really hate to even imagine. Even more unimaginable is what if I have to go home empty handed, and how will we all handle that. I am prepared to mourn her but at the same time I am prepared to be positive for her. There has to be a little hope, doesn't there?

 I feel myself pulling away from people lately, I think it's just my way of getting ready. Kinda like a fighter who is quiet and distant before a big fight, I am preparing for whatever is coming. I AM having a dinner with a lot of my friends who have been there through all of this with me. I hope that will lighten the mood for me and bring some laughter for the night, not to mention some good food!!! That is why I know I am tough enough to get through this, I know what I need to survive and not go into a black hole.

 As far as my health goes, I am doing well. My blood pressure raises it's ugly head every once and a while but other then that I am doing good. No swelling and even did a little dancing with Mya the other day, I was surprised I can move like that!! As far as how daddy is doing, I am not sure and probably won't know until Zooey gets here. Andy never freaks out over anything and takes it all in his own way. That's why I have always thought the song "Green Eyes" from Coldplay describes my Andy so well, not just because he has green eyes ;) He is my rock upon which I stand!!

Soon we will all get to meet our precious Zooey, are you guys ready, too?!? 

Emotional Roller Coaster

So the last few weeks have been nothing but catching back up after my 10 day vacation. I have had a few doctor visits and really had nothing new to report.

I am being told to watch my swelling and my blood pressure,which is nothing new for me. I am trying really hard to be good, especially since my blood pressure and swelling has been going back and forth. Plus sleeping hasn't been fun either!! My back hurts and I get acid reflux a lot!! All this going on but I am still enjoying every minute that I can. I have had a few scares with my blood pressure, one as recent as yesterday. Of course when I get home and lay down on my side it comes down. I just think it is way too early to have to worry about it. 

 But anyway, I am trying to get back into the swing of things, I have so much left to do and so much is happening too fast!! I did get a surprise from my doctor, thanks to a friend :), I got to see Zooey on 4D this week. It was great to see her and also a little sad. She looks just like Mya to me and just like any other normal baby. Is it too much to hope that everything the doctors have told me could be wrong? I am trying to keep everything in perspective but it gets harder the more I see her and feel her in there.

 Before I leave on this rainy day, I will share a picture from our 4D experience....... I think she is just beautiful, my little Zooey.

Happy New Year and beginnings

First off I want to tell everyone Happy New Year!! I hope that it is a great one for you, and yes, they do exist.  See that picture above, that happened out of a quiet New Year's Eve and a really great year that followed.

I want to put down the story of how my life has gotten to where it is and how we are still making through all of this. 
 On New Year's eve of 2009, Victoria and I spent the evening just watching the ball drop and breaking one of my favorite bowls while shooting off fireworks. I knew that that was a sign of a good year to come, really I did!

 The following month I found us a new home to live in, and I had already started my new position and store with Lowe's, in October. I was really getting lucky already, and Tori was loving our new home. While I was at the new store I had made some new friends, they were great and always made me laugh, even on the really bad days. I had some REALLY bad ones at times, too. One person in particular was Andy. The first day I saw him I actually tripped over a water hose because I was "distracted" . After meeting him, I just figured he was a party guy with lots of girlfriends and I blew it off. Well in months that passed I realized I was very wrong!! He turned out to be a very shy guy with brains who could be doing so much more than working at Lowe's. He became one of my good friends there, and I liked talking to him about anything. We found that we shared a lot in common and that we had been looking for the same thing.......a normal life, no drama, and someone who loved kids. He was getting a new job, so we decided to go on a date. He picked me up that Friday afternoon and brought me a rose tree with one red rose on it. That was it!! He had me from there, our date was fantastic and I knew that it was going to be that way, always. And it has. He was, has and always will be what I had been waiting for. I prayed and thought about how happy I was with it just being Tori and I, I knew I would be okay if I was alone. Then came Andy and it was like my prayers were answered  and he was an added bonus.

 We had talked about his love for children and how at one time in his life he had really wanted 8 children. Yes, eight!! I had always said that I didn't want Tori to be the only child but I was lucky just to have her.Well about six months later, Mya decided it was time to bring us all together. I will never forget his face when I told him that I was pregnant, best face ever! Being pregnant with her was awesome, even with me losing my job for a month and having to start all over at Lowe's, my love of being pregnant with her never wavered. Stressed, I was stressed but Andy always made it better. That man is like a rock!! 

And that is how I am making it through all of this with Zooey, if Andy breaks down, I will break down. He is the one constant in my life, every time I just want to break down and lose it, I find him. I have cried, I cry now just writing it out, but if I need to let it out, I do it and then find him to calm me down. He doesn't have to do anything but remind me how lucky we still are. This from a guy who thinks that if it wasn't for bad luck we wouldn't have any luck at all. He knows that we are lucky to have each other and I am lucky for having two beautiful girls already. For some reason, which God only knows, we are going to be lucky and have our Zooey, maybe for minutes, hours, and hopefully days. Either way, she is still ours. I am told to be hopeful and that my prayers will be answered and on the other hand I am being told to be ready and to prepare myself for the worst. I just pray that I will make it through the next year, that I can find peace in knowing that there is a good chance Zooey won't be with me when I celebrate the next New Year's eve. I have so many bad things I don't want to have to get ready for,  what hospital, her struggles at birth, what will we have to do if she makes it long enough to go home, the more than possible memorial service, and the cost of it all. All this and trying to make sure I am collecting things to remember her by, not letting a second go to waste, it is all very overwhelming.

  With all this to look forward to in 2013, I am still ready to welcome it with a smile on my face. It has the same feel to it that it did in 2009, I am ready to say good bye to a so so 2012 and look forward to a great 2013. So much can happen, plus I do have one really cool thing I know is happening next year......I am becoming Valerie Mason. We have never felt that we just had to get married but I am glad we are doing it, just something fun to look forward to and maybe take some of the sadness out of 2013 for everyone. 

 And just a few really neat side notes to leave on, one is that Andy and I get to see a full view of Zooey on Jan 14th!! Thanks to an angel that  God has sent my way, AMY, my doctor agreed to let us have a 4D ultrasound on him.  I am so excited to see Zooey again and to REALLY see how pretty she is!! Last thing happened this morning, as I was listening to Mya chat it up with her daddy at 6am, I noticed that Zooey was moving funny. It took me a minute because I was concentrating on why on earth Mya was up so early, but then I realized what Zooey was doing, she had the hiccups! I know it was just the hiccups but for that small time she was just like any other normal baby. I sat and enjoyed them for as long as I could, any other time it could be annoying but this morning it was the most awesome thing to me. Zooey had the hiccups :)

HAPPY 2013 to Everyone and see you next year!!

Going to see Zooey

Well, her she is!!

It was really great to see her today, I didn't really care if we had found out anymore bad news, I just wanted to see her.

She weighs about 2 1/2 pounds which is close to normal, the doctor said the tummy was a tad small but that is okay.

Zooey's kidneys are starting to look normal, also. They are not holding as much fluid as first thought so they are really not going to give her the most trouble. Her left side of her cerebellum  is still fluid filled but it doesn't look as it did when she was smaller. The fluid is not changing, which is also a good sign. When I first saw her brain I could tell right off that it wasn't getting worse.  These things gave me a little comfort in knowing she has a small chance. Her heart issue on the other hand.........it's the one thing that isn't going to make it easy on her. She just doesn't have all the heart she needs to keep going once she gets here. Her heart rate is now at 140, and that is good but once she isn't relying on me to help her it probably won't continue to function. 

 That is a very hard thing to come to terms with, Zooey is so close to being okay, she would still have issues when she gets here, some new and some old but they would be easier to deal with than a failed heart. To feel how strong she is while she is in my tummy, you would never know that she has an underdeveloped  heart. No wonder that I am so tired, she is using me to keep going.  And boy does she go! Btw, she is a girl. I had mentioned it to some that I wanted to be for sure about her sex. 

 When we finally got to see her face I was glad to see that she doesn't have a cleft lip, she may have a soft palette but no cleft lip. This will be easier for her if I get to feed her. The last picture is of her looking right at us. It wasn't the best of the picture but she started to turn over. She looks A LOT like Mya, Mya's ultra sound picture. She has those big cheeks and puffy pretty lips and a cute little nose. Her nose looked a little off in the picture but again she decided it was time to turn over about the time the tech snapped the picture. 

 I know she is going to be a beautiful little girl, just like her sisters. I just wish I knew if we would have time to see her grow. Stupid 13 chromosome!  The doctor reminded me that even though things didn't look so bad now, that the 13th chromosome will be down fall when she is out and on her own. Again, it is so hard to comprehend this. That every strand on her DNA is tarnished by this stupid 13th chromosome. 

I have actually taken everything better this week, even with all the bad stuff going on in our nation. I have said this before, I know that if Zooey doesn't make it for long it will be okay because she will know nothing else but love. She will not have to fear anything and I won't have to be worried about her like I do her sisters.  I will have lost a child but not like what happened to those poor parents in CT.  I will get to have peace and hold her while she leaves us, and I will have peace knowing that Zooey has never known such violence. 

 One last thing that has kept me thankful and strong the last few days was something I watched. On Anderson Cooper, one of the set of parents to the little girls lost had decided to talk about her.  Her mother wanted people to know her, how great she was, what she had done that morning and how much she loved school. That mother was so strong and never broke down once. I believe that if she can be that strong with all she had been through, I can do this too.