Six weeks and my thoughts

That's my two beautiful girls, Victoria and Mya, after Mya was born. I hope to have a nice picture like this when Zooey gets here. I absolutely love those girls, even when they drive me completely crazy. I would be lost without them. I went from being told that I would never have children to having a perfect family, something that changed me for the better. I think about what these two have done for me and can't imagine what I am going to learn from my experience with Zooey. Each child has brought another person out in me, I am a Gemini so I am aloud to have different personalities :). But really, I find something new about myself when I have a child, and each time it has softened me even more. I wish I could have done things different for Tori, but she is stuck with a bad decision that I made before she got here and I try to make up for it as much as possible. It can be hard being the only real parent she has.

 Mya has it so much better because she has two loving parents who aren't going anywhere, and maybe that is why we have been given Zooey. We are being tested to see how strong we really are and knowing that we have so  much love to give to her, I think she will be a great test.

 I was sitting at work the other day, eating lunch and playing my games, and it hit me. I have only 6 more weeks till they take her from me and the real journey begins. I feel like I have been pregnant forever but then again it feels like it is happening too fast. I should be enjoying a baby shower and all the excitement of the up coming event but it isn't there. I am excited to see and hold Zooey for the first time but worried about what happens after that, also will I even get to hold and see her right off. They may have to take her away right after he gets her out, an idea I really hate to even imagine. Even more unimaginable is what if I have to go home empty handed, and how will we all handle that. I am prepared to mourn her but at the same time I am prepared to be positive for her. There has to be a little hope, doesn't there?

 I feel myself pulling away from people lately, I think it's just my way of getting ready. Kinda like a fighter who is quiet and distant before a big fight, I am preparing for whatever is coming. I AM having a dinner with a lot of my friends who have been there through all of this with me. I hope that will lighten the mood for me and bring some laughter for the night, not to mention some good food!!! That is why I know I am tough enough to get through this, I know what I need to survive and not go into a black hole.

 As far as my health goes, I am doing well. My blood pressure raises it's ugly head every once and a while but other then that I am doing good. No swelling and even did a little dancing with Mya the other day, I was surprised I can move like that!! As far as how daddy is doing, I am not sure and probably won't know until Zooey gets here. Andy never freaks out over anything and takes it all in his own way. That's why I have always thought the song "Green Eyes" from Coldplay describes my Andy so well, not just because he has green eyes ;) He is my rock upon which I stand!!

Soon we will all get to meet our precious Zooey, are you guys ready, too?!?