The Rancorous Side of Me

This week has not been great. I have had a lot going wrong lately, but I have noticed that it seems to be going around. It's like something dark has cloaked it's self over the world or just maybe our area. Either way, life seems to suck for a numerous amount of people I know. 

With this in mind, I  try to have patience with everything that doesn't quite go my way for the day. I am learning to pray my rosary more, to ask for blessings in the morning, or just take a minute to say thank you for what I do have.  This will not be like any post I have ever made before...........

Today was not successful and I feel  must write it all out. I need to just release it and hope it helps it go away. 

 My mouth became the enemy instead of just turning the cheek and being the better person. What was worse is I didn't say it to her face so I had just became what made me mad in the first place. This has really bothered me because I don't have many people in my life who have ever hurt me so bad that I can't seem to forgive them. When I have to add someone to that list, something happens to me and it's not pretty. For me, those people do not exist anymore, and I hide them away in a deep dark place. It is said that it is always better to forgive than to forget but I just can't seem to get past certain things. The provocateur in this particular event has done things in the past and I know she can get to me. I usually just go about my day and never interact with her, but today I tried to be a little civil. It went fine until a few hours later and I become the butt of the joke.


And then begins the rancorous side of me.

I have fought this battle with my dark side for a long time. It started when I was really young. I was picked on because I was different. I was not rich , I was not athletic, my teeth aren't straight, my skin was too dark, I wasn't the prettiest or skinniest, I didn't wear the latest trends, and so many other reasons that the kids could find to not like me. I also had a lot going on with my dad and the new part of my family.  My mom and brother seemed to be all I really had.  So this was the start of the BULLYING, and it did not end there. The reasons to dislike me only changed as I got older. I learned to just suck it up and move on but as I did, something hard was growing inside me. I was quiet. I wouldn't smile like all the other girls, even my friends were even unsure of why they were friends with me.  High School wasn't very fun for me because I wasn't one of those girls who played along. Guys thought they were funny by calling me " Tonto", as in the Lone Ranger.  A girl can only take so much and one day it all changed, I decided I couldn't hold it in any longer. Those friends stayed but saw a very vicious and violent Valerie come about. I have always had a potty mouth btw,  but now I had the attitude to go with it.

 I lashed out anytime someone called me some stupid name or wanted to pick on my friends. I used all that vile behavior I had put up with to justify my ugly persona. I covered up my pain with alcohol, drugs, and many other bad decisions. I got into fights, and usually won them, for various reasons. Yeah, it's a lot to take in isn't it? Not a very pretty picture but it's a lot to hold in too.  For a long time I thought that Zooey was my punishment for my past behavior, my penance. I know better now but it's hard not to come to those conclusions when you know you haven't always been the best reflection. 

I found different groups of friends as I  grew up, most of them are still some of my best friends, and some are just Facebook friends who I get to say hi to every once and awhile. But, every single one of those true friends I made, even if we were just friends for a season, made a big difference in me.
They helped me trust again. I felt like I was worthy of friendship, of love apart from family. They were okay with my quirkiness and my not so straight teeth. They made me feel beautiful for being dark haired, dark skinned, and a tad chunky. I began to mellow but that one part, the part that can not forgive, stayed. It just sank a tad deeper, it never truly went away.

Then I had Tori and just like the Grinch, my heart grew 2 times it's size and my evil side was blinded.  I changed so much that my best friends STILL like to talk about it. What was even better was when I met Andy, someone who understood that dark side of me, because he has that same side but his is buried even more deeper than mine. I could relate to him and him to me, he dealt with so much when he was younger just like me. Only Andy is so much better than me, and the girls are such good medicine for a tortured soul. He is so level headed, has the biggest heart, funny, and come on, pretty darn hot!! How could anyone ever be mean to him? But, it did happen and he has learned to live with it too. Now we are one HUGE happy family. I have taught Tori how to deal with bullying and I've been successful!! She really does march to her own beat and doesn't mind, I'm so proud of her.

Now why can't I do like I teach? Why do I let people bully me and get the best of me?
I still pray that one day I can forgive those that have created the monster that lies beneath.
I love my life and the majority of people who are in my life from my co workers to my best friends and all my family. I would do most anything for them and I would definitely stand up for them. So how can people who don't know me not even give me a chance to prove I'm not so bad? I guess that is for me to learn to let go and forgive. It's up to me to turn the cheek and move on. I hope I can.   

Why I will never get tired of hearing "Let it Go"

 Hello!! It's been a long time, a whole year to be exact. I have so much that I want to get out but I don't want to bore everyone just yet.

First off I will start by saying that I had another baby!! My rainbow baby came to us on Sept 16th, very stress free and joyous! Her name is Harper, after the author of my favorite book, and Maizey, kind of a cross of her sister's names. She is the best baby out of all of them (don't tell the other girls hehe), she would have never been if it hadn't been for Zooey. I think that makes her the most special. Maybe, she will be the one that saves this planet or cures cancer, whatever it is, she was meant to be here and Zooey knew it.


 It took a lot to do it again but I just knew it was going to be okay. I am always humbled by people who tell me that they look up to me and that they could have never done it. I think people under estimate themselves. I am no one special, just someone who was tested, pushed to see where my breaking point was. People deal with decisions similar to mine all the time. We all are heroes to someone, and sometimes we get told to our faces, and sometimes we just change someone's life and we will never know who and how much.

 This leads me to being the mother of three. My life is a ZOO! I really can't
 tell you how much I love it and loathe it. Some days I swear I just long for the days where I could get up when I wanted, drink my coffee, go for a 3 mile run, go for drinks or an all day date with Andy and stay up late watching all my shows.  Oh and don't get me started on having my old body back!!

 
But then Mya does something goofy and it makes me laugh, and then I get tears in my eyes because I couldn't imagine not having that little butt head in my life. Mya is my princess. She loves to sing (anything from Frozen or Sia will do)  and dance but she has that Gemini side that no one wants to mess with. That poor girl is so much like her mother and I feel like I must apologize for what I have done to her. Mya is special to me for other reasons, one being she made her daddy a daddy for the first time. It can't get any better than that. The others will be seen as she grows, I know deep down she will shine brighter than most.

  Victoria comes home with straight As for the up tee nth time and I swell with pride that I did something right. All by myself with her for 6 years of her life and she isn't scarred or rebellious for not having her dad around. Victoria surprises me all the time with either the music she likes, the way she is getting her own style, and sometimes how she has grown to have such a smart humor :D That is thanks to her mother and her step dad!!i am so proud of that girl. She is such a beauty but she doesn't care, she flows to her own beat.


 I never thought I would be a mother but here I am with three beauties here on earth and one in heaven keeping me inline. Some days I could just cry in frustration and the overwhelming noise, but other days bring me back to earth. I know I would be lost without all of them. So on days when Mya is screaming from the living room, Tori is rambling about something I have no clue about, and Harper is throwing up her last bottle, I will learn to be more patient. I know how precious each of their little lives are to me. We will dance and sing more, even if it is Let it Go for the hundredth time. I will savor each time I have to read a night time book or give four more kisses and hugs. They are what makes me who I am, and I am so happy to have so much to love. am, and I am so happy to have so much to love.  I will do more writing as time goes on, maybe not as much as I like, but I am making myself sit down and put it on paper. It will be jumbled thoughts, it could be a novel, who knows at this point. I just feel that even if no one else ever cares to read it, it will be something I can leave the girls and it helps me release. I have come a long way since I started this blog, something that started out of fear and sorrow, and I think I can turn it into something light, funny, and somewhat entertaining. I am just asking for you to bare with me as I get it rolling. We all may learn something ;)

 

Happy Birthday to my lovely angel in heaven

 Today is a very hard day for me. It pulls me in two different directions, kind of like the cartoons  where I have a good angel on one shoulder and a bad one on the other.
 All the details of the day are still fresh in my mind and I can play out the motions in my head as every hour passes. A year ago at this time she still wasn't here yet. I still had hope that maybe they were completely wrong about her condition, an hour later I had a different hope that she would just stay with us long enough to soak her all in. I wish I could have that time back now, more than anything!
  But, then the good angel comes in and tells me how important it is to remember how good she has it now. She is WHOLE and HEALTHY where she is now. Zooey came into our lives for a reason and has changed our lives in so many ways. I understand what it means to live each day, to smell all smells (good and bad), see each color, and hear each sound to it's full capacity. What I went through, what I still go through, is changing me. Some people don't like change but there is no way to lose a child and not have it change you. I think it changes me for the good, and it is still in the works and won't be done for a while. I picture myself like a piece of blown glass being formed, slow but beautiful process. 
 I know there is a plan and he isn't finished with me yet.

I have cried for the last few days, so much that I didn't bother wearing makeup yesterday, sorry to anyone I may have scared  HA! I have tried to find some peace. I have prayed by myself and I will be taking some time out for myself to light a candle, say the rosary, and soak in some quiet time with just me and Zooey. I have found peace in listening to music too, some brings tears but some eases my nerves. The funny part is the music that calms my nerves would probably shock others. I will just give you a list....Garden from Pearl Jam, Creep from Radiohead, Breed from Nirvana, RED from Chevelle, and then some Sara B, Jack Johnson and Billy Joel thrown in there. Yes I think that sums it up....believe me, it helps! Like I have said, everyone is different and I just grieve and recover different than most but anyone that knows me knows I am a little different anyway.

 I also want to say that I have woke up to many thoughts and well wishes for me and Andy, so many people who Zooey's story has touched and so many people for me to love and thank. It is special for not just us but the rest of the family and my friends, and that makes it so much better. I also found out some news that some might  think would make me sad, but it doesn't. I have two friends who have baby news today!! One friend had her baby at 3am today and the other friend is waiting for her best friend to have her first baby today!! I find it fantastic!!! I also take it as a wonderful sign from GOD, that in all darkness, THERE IS LIGHT!! Two beautiful babies to share birthdays with my angel is very happy news for me. It is a little sad but I really couldn't be happier to know that there is a chance for happiness for others. Who knows what the future holds for us.......maybe another healthy one for us one day :D

 
Later on today, we will be letting go of four helium filled balloons with a message for Zooey on them. We will also be having some kind of cake or cupcake for her. I know it will have to be chocolate, whatever it is, she wouldn't want anything else but chocolate!!!!  I ask that if anyone wants to do something, for her or us today, to do something nice for a stranger today. A kind act in the name of Zooey would be a really great way to celebrate her. 

 

 Happy Birthday, Zooey Noel!! Your family loves you and  

misses you very much!!! You are in our hearts and minds everyday!!!

2013 will forever be THE YEAR WE WILL NEVER FORGET

  First off. I hope everyone had a great and magical Christmas and a safe New Year's Eve. Our little family had a pretty easy going holidays. I was an emotional mess for some of it but that is to be expected.
With that being said now I will wish a Happy New Year's day and here is to a great new year for us all!!

          The year 2013 has brought on a lot of things for us as a family.
We have realized how close we really are and how we a strong, no matter what obstacles we come across.  We have experienced a lot of downs and a few fantastic ups in 2013.
 

        Zooey was our first true test of our faith and strength. I will never know what life will be like not having that constant nagging feeling of losing a child.  My life changed, something that many people will always have a problem understanding. Some would say that if I didn't go through the whole pregnancy then I wouldn't have had to go through all that pain, or question, "This isn't going to change you, is it?" Those people are no longer in my life. But with the bad there is good too. I made a lot of wonderful new friends. People who have a strong belief of faith and have special caring for others, and hopefully I can learn from that and continue growing myself. Zooey's life brought a lot of changes to us but I think they were great changes. Andy and I are stronger than ever and the girls feel that. Zooey was meant to be our little guardian angel and she was also meant to be the seal on our family cohesion. She lives in us. I am planning her birthday party and will need her strength to get me through it all. I would love for a lot of people to be there to help us celebrate her first birthday.

  

This year, 2014, I will do better with my friendships. I will find time to spend with some of the girl friends I still have. Friendships do change, it is a part of life, I am coming to realize this truth. It has been hard but I am learning not to take it too personally. I will always have friends to surround myself with, I just need to take advantage of that. Spending time to listen to them as they have listened to me and to make new memories to laugh at.       

 Andy and I aged to 40 this year, we look at it as a good/bad event. I was given a surprise birthday party by my sister in law, that made my day really special. Andy doesn't like surprises and doesn't really thing that a birthday warrants a party, ( he feels about the same for any holiday too lol ) so, his mom made him a birthday dinner and we celebrated with family. 

After it was said and done for both of us, I started to worry about our future.  We got married in December, something that was along time coming, so he is stuck with me. I just want to make sure we have many more years to be stuck together :)

 For 2014, I have decided that we have to really start taking better care of ourselves. This doesn't mean I am making a resolution to lose weight but to change our lifestyle. I do need to lose weight, but I know that if I focus more on the stuff we put in our bodies and the amount of time we spend on our butts, this will become just one of the payoffs. These few turn a rounds will also help us in our everyday attitude toward work and will keep us from being stressed out. We always have goals at work that we work to accomplish and if we start to feel better physically than I know the mentally will follow.

I am also going to work toward some new goals as far as work is concerned.  Work is always a challenge that I think many people forget to improve on. It's work, no one wants to have to do it but we should be grateful that we have our jobs. We should also make it a challenge to "like" what we do. Remember, others have to work with you so why not make it better for everyone by trying to better yourself. I just know I will be praying for this particular part of my life.
 I will also be asking for prayers to get us in a home this year. It is hard to get financed for a home and I think this year it will get even harder. If we can get in a home than I know I will feel like anything else I set for myself will be possible.

My last goal for myself is to find more time to listen to my girls. I know that I do a decent job but I know that it will get harder the older they get, why not get a head start. Victoria has dealt with a lot of changes this year such as bullying, losing a sister, girls acting older than they are, her first crush on a guy, getting into the gifted program, and becoming a little woman. She still has so many more things to look forward to this year and I know it will be a hard one. She is a tough little chick and I know if I am there for her she will make it. I think more families should do this for their children, they are the future and we hold the key to making it a better world.

 
So, here we are. The start of a new year, or a blank page if you look at it like I do.

What am I going to do to fill those pages? 2013 held so much for us that I could write a book about it, 2014 has a lot to live up to.

1. Better physical lifestyle
2. To better my work place
3. Listen to my children more
4. Enjoy my friends company more often
5. TO MOVE INTO A HOME
6. Find more time for life in general :)

 Good luck to you all with your blank pages............

The couple finally tied the knot!!

             We did it!! We finally got married!!

It was such a long time coming, but we knew that we were not going to be leaving each other.
  The smile on my face in the picture below tells you how happy I was and still am. I really can't believe how much I wanted this. We wanted it, I should say. Even though he doesn't say it, he still showed it in his own way.

  We had a small wedding, one that I planned in two weeks. We were going to go of and get married by ourselves, but we realized that some of the family would be upset. The one thing we didn't want was to hurt anyone's feelings, so we had to hurry and plan. I think it worked out great. I have been married before and it was a larger wedding, and this still felt better than any day in my life so far. It is so true that it doesn't matter how big the wedding, just matters how happy the couple is to be doing it.

  We had the girls with us. I had Tori be our ring bearer, just so she would know how much she is a part of all this, even if her last name is different. I think she really enjoyed it. In some of the pictures you can see the same smile I was wearing, on her face as well. It really made me so excited to see her happiness.  Of course, Mya, she just went on being the cute little devil that she is. We brought Zooey along too.  She is always in our hearts and this time I carried a vile of her ashes in my bouquet. I know she was proud of her parents that day.

 We had as much family as we could invite with us, my mom and brother couldn't be there, both due to travel reasons. I know they would have been there if they could.  I thought it was great to have his grandparents there, especially since none of mine are still living. It felt right to have such a loving couple there, one that had been through many years of ups, and a few downs.
 I also had two of my oldest and best friends there.  One of them did most of the pictures on here, my sister in law did the others. 

 It rained on our wedding day and people keep telling us it's good luck. I don't know if it's true but I will say that we were lucky before, we found each other, that's pretty lucky in my book. It also rained all of our honeymoon, is that a good sign too?
 At first, I was pretty upset about the weather but then I decided it wasn't going to matter about the weather. I just enjoyed a quiet four days with my new husband. We both just took it all in stride, and enjoyed each others company. We walked, shopped, and ate!! We do love good food!!!

 I pray that our happy days remain but I know that if we are tested again, we will make it. One thing we were asked, when we went to get our marriage license, was if we had gotten any marriage counseling. In my mind, I thought, we have been through a lot in almost four years. I have lost a job and got it back,  we lost a child, we sometimes aren't always the richest people in the neighborhood, and we work our life away.This life we lead isn't perfect but we have made it through these things and never once looked back. I think that counts as life counseling, so it should count as a type of marriage counseling. Oh well, it didn't count but I know that we will make it, no matter what :)

Happy Thanksgiving

Hello everybody! It's been a while since I have been on here. We have been a busy family, but most important we have been a happy family.
 I woke up this morning very happy to have my little family with me. Andy had to work his full shift but he finally came home to us, he will be grumpy later ;) The girls and I are doing our tradition of warm sweet rolls and milk (mommy has chocolate chai tea) and watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. When I was younger my mom and I always watched it, I love that I can carry this over to my little girls.
Next year , when I finally will be in our house, I hope to be able to cook Thanksgiving dinner for everyone. I miss the smells that go with the parade, my mom always cooked a great Thanksgiving dinner. Don't get me wrong, I did get some of the smells yesterday.
I got to cook yesterday for my dinner with my Dad, brother, sister in law, and the kids. We had a great night with lots of food and love, and that's what it is about. I love spending time with my family no matter what day it is on. Today I get to spend the day with my other family, the Masons, so, more food and love for me, I think I will need to go on a strict diet after these two days of good food!!!

  I am only missing one thing, and that is Zooey. I really didn't think that it would hit me till Christmas but I have had a few things that set me off. One was while I was doing wedding dress shopping. I was at Belk and they had a tree with beautiful "Baby's first Christmas" on it. I teared up right there, if someone had seen me they would have thought I was skitzo. I went from smiling to crying in two seconds! Then this morning while enjoying the girls and the parade, Johnson & Johnson had a commercial of a baby talking and telling it's mother that she was doing okay. UGH, talk about pulling at my heart strings!  I will have to change the channel every time it comes on or I will have puffy face for the whole Christmas   season. I miss her very much and that will never change. No matter how happy I am, that hole is there and it really keeps me centered. I would love to find something for Christmas that is a special reminder of her, something that will make her part of our celebration. I guess I will have to get looking.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving, and you soak up all the laughs and memories that come from this holiday and the next. I will be!!
The next time I write I will be Mrs. Mason, so I am  sure I will have a lot to share :))

The melt down moment of clarity

Having a complete melt down is kinda new for me, but it happened. I have decided that it had to happen for me to realize a few things in my life. One is that I have not finished my grieving and I HAVE got to let myself do it. Even if it means that I curl up in a corner with Zooey's blanket, hair brush , etc., and just let it all fly out, it has to happen and it has to happen often.
 Second thing is I can not please everyone and I will just have to piss people off even when it is not my real intent. If they can't handle what I have to do, what I must say, or that I can't bend to fit their needs, then it isn't my problem. I like to be able to say that most people get along with me but it isn't true and I know it. There will always be someone who must talk about me or dislike me. That is just life and it doesn't make me a bad person, it just means I am being myself and they are just being who they are.
 Third thing I learned from this is that I like to write. I had very old friend, Erika Blackmon, who posted not too long ago about this. We both grew up HATING to write. She now loves to write and she is very good at it. I loved to read but I hated to try and put a story or feeling on a page. Strange that I find out now ,as I get older, that it does make me feel. I don't think I am fantastic at it because usually I feel like I am all over place. I try to get down everything that I am thinking at that moment and, believe me, there is a lot in there! My mom just told me, after my melt down, that it seemed to relax me when I write. It does.

 When I was younger I loved to take pictures. I took them all the time of my friends and when Tori was little I would take a ton of pictures of her. It's a little harder for her to stand still long enough now for me to get a good one of her. I now have Mya as my muse and I still love to catch a good shot. But, sometimes I see things and wish I could capture that moment forever but I don't have a camera or I do and it doesn't come out just like I saw it. It is still there but just in my mind.
 I can still keep those images, I write them down how I see them. Just like the image of Zooey when she she grabbed my finger. It was just a second in time, like it stopped for everybody but her and I. It took me just that second for my mind to realize what was happening and that my brain said "Don't take this for granted, remember it all, just like it is now." I have those moments a lot. When I was 21 and lived in North Chattanooga, I was going to work, and I saw a little girl standing on her porch. Her house was on a hill and if you stood there I bet you could see all of downtown. She had to be about Mya's age and only had a towel on. Something about the way she stood there, looking out at it all, struck me. I remember I wished, again, I had had a camera. It was such a pretty sight to me, and as you can tell, it stayed with me. I remember it just like it was yesterday. I see things like this and I write it down. I see Andy sleeping and in my mind I see it in black and white, just a peaceful picture of a beautiful guy sleeping , stuck in my mind like a real photograph.
 I have decided to use this to my advantage. I will use it to continue writing on those bad days. So, if you see me carrying around an old note pad, you will know I am having a bad day. Don't feel bad, because it has to be this way for a little while. I will conquer it. Just like one of my favorite songs says, 

"And I'll breathe again...

Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be a warrior please
Make me a Hercules"

Some times are so good

 Some times are so good that you don't want them to end!! I have had some good times lately, when I needed them most. I know that I let stress overwhelm me and I have been fighting with this, trying to find answers to make my stress melt away.

 This summer was so fast but I did get to enjoy a little time with the girls, and also got the rest I needed. It is just lately it seems everything was bothering me more than usual. I am talking about being on the verge of tears everyday. This is not me!!

 Then I would look at my Mya and laugh at her crazy ways and admire her preciousness. She is definitely my doer. GO GO GO all the time :)

 I took the girls to the zoo and it was just wonderful to not be in a hurry for once. We just got to hang out and watch all the animals. Mya was amazed by most of it, I think she wanted to get in the cages with them.

She has also learned to sing a few songs....she is just like her sitter in that matter. Tori sang all the time when she was 2. Tori on the other hand was also my watcher. She was controlled and loved to observe. She is still that way, I can't get her to GO GO GO :D
She is in her goofy stage, too!! I can never get  good picture of her. It is a shame because as she gets older, she is becoming such a beauty.

Andy and I have gotten to have a few days to ourselves. We enjoyed a Lookouts game one night and as you can see, we got to meet Sara Bareilles!!! She has always been one of my favorites and I can't believe the luck that came my way. I wanted to go to this concert but wasn't sure how. I just said to myself that if it was meant to be I would be able to find a way to go. Sure enough, Andy's mom's girlfriend at work won the tickets and didn't want to go. Not only did she win those but she also won a meet and greet with her!! My prayers for some luck came through. 

 Miracles do happen and I am seeing it everyday. I just have to keep remembering to take them all in. My girls and Andy are miracles, my family are a miracle, and my friends who are there for me all the time are miracles. I am still really lucky, I just have to stop and smell the roses when it gets to hard.

 The summer is ending, school has started, and fall is my favorite time of the year. I pray everyday, whether it's my rosary or just a small quiet prayer of sanity, it has a calming and reassuring effect. I know my Zooey is watching me and I don't want her to see me suffering so. It will get better, it has gotten better, and it will continue.